Access Granted: Welcome General *cough* Grievous
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
The New Youngling
Having failed in training my last youngling, Master Sidious has given me another one to train. This one is a Quermian, like Yareal Poof, he has four arms and two brains. First up I think I’ll teach him how to wield a lightsaber and then progress to multiple lightsabers, after this he should be ready to fight me in practise spars. Here’s the information card that came with the kid:

Name: You decide
Age: 7

This kid has lived a rough life since his family abandoned him on a refugee transport from Quermia, he was found at the age of 5 trying to take a lightsaber from a Jedi guard. He was tested for midi-chlorians but did not reach the required amount for a Jedi, so he was sent to us at the FSYA.

[Your comment goes here after two weeks of training]

Well, I’ve decided to call him Mael, and should he be a good student then his comment will go along the lines of “He is a pleasure to teach and picks up new material well.” Should he be terrible: “He is easily distracted and needs to pay more attention to the subject at hand.”
posted by General Grievous at 8:30 AM | Permalink | 1 comments
Saturday, November 26, 2005
The Youngling Found

If you remember, a while ago Master Sidious gave me an order to train a youngling in the way of the lightsabre. However, I was busy and had no time for him; in fact, I had so little time for him that I locked him in his room to stop him following me. Time wore on and I forgot about him, until today. Just before lunch my ship was hailed by a civilian ship requesting to land to discuss child cruelty.

"This is civilian ship Z0245-A requesting landing clearance and immediate cease to shield generation."
"This is General Grievous, what business brings you to the Invisible hand?"
"We wish to see the youngling under your tutorage General."
"You meant the FSYA student I locked in a room and is probably dead..."
"Pardon, I didn't catch that last part."
"Ahh nothing, come onboard"

I turned to my droids:
"Go to the guest room on the fourth level, five doors along, and get the kid in there."
"Yes sir."

The ambassadors came onboard and met me in the reception lounge.
"Greetings General Grievous, I'm Jake Napda, and this is my colleague Jake Foop. We would like to see the youngling placed in your care some time ago."
"You may, I've sent one of my droids to go fetch him as we speak. Would you like something to drink?"
"Yes please."

I walked off to the bar and pulled out a couple of bottles of spirits and poured them into a couple of glasses, if that didn't put them in a good mood, nothing would. While doing this, a droid came in carrying a skeleton with a few remaining clothes attached.
"Here's the boy, General Grievous."
"That's not him, he was alive last time I saw him.... You did feed him everyday didn't you?"
"I had no such orders."
"Ok, don't mention this to the ambassadors."

I went back to the ambassadors:
"Here you go." [While giving them the drinks]
"So where is the boy, it's been a while since you sent for him?"
"He's probably exploring the ship's air vents or something, you know young kids."

Just at this moment the droid walked into the room carrying the skeleton and brandishing a FSYA t-shirt.
"Sir, do you want me to dispose of the kid and his possessions?"

I quickly turned around and said the only thing I could think of:
"You did not see this, the kid is alright, you will not return!" [While waving my hand in an imitation of the Sith and Jedi]
"We didn't see this, we have to go now, our next appointment is in two days. Good morning General."

Well that was a close one; I hope Master Sidious doesn't hear about it.

posted by General Grievous at 7:11 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Flashback: Becoming a Warrior
"The deserts of Kalee are ideal for hunting; they hide the mumuu and karabbac. Remember this and you will do well."

My father told me this on our first hunting trip, we were hunting mumuu, the thrill of the hunt was on, running across the sand, sun pounding down on our clothes, and the mumuu getting ever closer. I was lagging behind, I was seven years of age and slightly shorter than my father, they were ten meters in front of me. We were with my older brother and my father's friend.

We came to a halt beneath the overhang of a cliff, the mumuu were just around the corner, we drew our weapons and waited. When one started to move apart we moved around them, this was the one we were going to kill.

We knew that once we shot we would have a few moments to scare the others before they would charge at us, we moved close to the singled out mumuu.

The firing started, the targeted mumuu went down without a fight, another one had a heart attack from the surprise and dropped dead as well, the others charged at us the veered away as they feared for their lives.

We returned to our house, and started to carve up our prizes. Latter that night I was presented with my first mumuu mask.
posted by General Grievous at 9:22 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Monday, November 21, 2005
Extra Extra - Part One
[We interrupt this blog to report on the latest crisis on Kamino]

"Welcome to Channel 5478 News. I am your host, Rod Hide. This special broadcast has been made to inform you of a recent event in the siege of Kamino. Now to John."

"Hi this is your local War reporter, John Nantas, reporting from Tipoca city here on Kamino. Recent events have caused this once unknown planet, to be so important that the CIS have thought it important to blockade the planet, even more thoroughly than the Trade Federation blockade above Naboo. We managed to visit the three main powers in this conflict earlier today.

[Scene switches to the cargo bay of a huge ship, a loud constant roar of ships taking off can be heard in the background.]

"General Grievous, why are you blockading Kamino?"
"No comment."
"Is it true that you were seen meeting Major Rage two days ago?"
"No comment."
"How are you planning on winning this battle?"
"Ok, this is getting ridiculous; do you really think I'm going to tell you that?"
"Umm...... yes...."
"Well you're wrong, don't you think you've wasted enough time questioning me, I told you before that I'm not going to answer."

Conintued on Major Rage's blog.
posted by General Grievous at 7:30 PM | Permalink | 1 comments
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Show Down at High Noon
Last night while I was scanning the battlefield for possible strategies I received a broadcast.

"General Grievous, answer if you can hear this...."
I was being cautious; I decided to wait a bit.
"General Grievous, pick up the receiver, I know you're there, I can see that the light's on."
I went over and turned the light off.
"General Grievous, just answer, I wish to discuss possible peace treaties."
This one is persistent, a lot better than the previous ones.

"General Grievous speaking *cough*"
"This is Major Rage of the Republic Army; I wish to discuss the withdrawal of the CIS from Kamino."
"Go on..."
"Meet me at the deserted outpost alone at noon." [He sent me some coordinates]

At 11:59 I landed on the outpost and approached the Clone Trooper standing there.
"Major Rage?"
"Thank you for coming, General Grievous. I hope you don't mind but for added security I have brought be Squad member Sparky and Target."
He waved and from behind various object two more Clone Troopers appeared. I drew my lightsabers cautiously.
"You can put those away, General, we are unarmed."
"Then why do you have a blaster pistol in your holster?"
"For protection. now on to business. We want you to leave this planet, and we want you to leave now."
"What will you give me?"
"Absolutely nothing, except a free and untracked escape."
"Well isn't that a nice little deal for you, I leave, you win, and you don't lose anything."
"Then I'm afraid if will come down to force, and you will lose, us Clones are far superior to your Droids!"

Then it got heated. My lightsabers were lit, their blaster pistols were drawn, and all hell broke lose. Three on one is not normally fair, but it wasn't like that today, they quickly started backing up towards their ship.

When they reached the ship it was my turn to back up, and fast. The one called Target brought up a Sniper rifle and Sparky a Thermal Detonator. There was no way they could miss, even so I ran. The Detonator was thrown first, It threw me forwards, and it must have been this that saved me because the Sniper's blast went through my shoulder.

I reached my ship and high tailed it out of there, the doctor says it'll be a couple of days before I can go out there. That Major Rage will pay for what he has done!
posted by General Grievous at 7:35 AM | Permalink | 0 comments
Friday, November 18, 2005
You Can't Stop Me now!
We have finally managed to land on one of the larger cities here on Kamino. Usually each side disembarks with blasters firing and lightsabers spinning, however, this time none of the happened, I'm not entirely sure why. It might have been the fact that they were stunned by Dooku walking up to them with a cup of tea in hand and asking if they would like any, or they drank the tea and were feeling the side effects.

At any rate we were in a face off, no one moving, no one spinning lightsabers, firing blasters, throwing thermal detonators, nothing at all, only a murmur of talk was going on.

"You can't beat us! We have you out numbered two to one; surrender now and you can jump into the sea and drown peacefully, being torn apart by the native animals!"

Then Dooku had to come and spoil the deadlock because he couldn't get the top of the pepper container. Well, you guessed it, he got the top of while holding it in front of me, I sneezed and the suddenly we were in a quick burst of Republic fire.

A quickly as it started, it was over, and half my droids were gone.
That particular battle didn't go that well, we were forced to retreat. But once some more of our droids arrive they will taste the heat of their own blasters.
posted by General Grievous at 7:00 AM | Permalink | 0 comments
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
"I promise you, victory is assured"
All is not going as planned; the Republic has masses of troops on the ground and more arriving every second. We have landed in a few of the smaller cities to establish ourselves on the planet.

I don't see how Palpatine sees that all these ships arriving is going to help us win, I mean look at them!! There's so many of them.

It also doesn't help having Dooku telling me what to do:
"Stab them from behind Old Fella, then move your Knight there and move the Queen in to mop the rest up."
"Dooku this isn't a game of Chess!"
"Isn't it this map looks chequered to me."
"That's because you're looking at the Chess board, the map is beside you."
"So it is...."

What is actually going to happen, time will tell. Until then I'm quite content to just sit here and wait for the Jedi to arrive.
posted by General Grievous at 6:06 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Saturday, November 12, 2005
The Council of Thirteen

In the forming of the Army to face the Republic we created a Council of Thirteen. These Thirteen were meant to organize the Army and follow under my command. Unfortunately they have not done a good job and many are being replaced when more suitable replacements are found. The members are:

Zin: The bounty hunter I found on Coruscant. Resourceful, energetic, determined, and like pizza.
Atmo Larc: A skilled close combat warrior, he wields 2 heavy masses with reflective qualities.
Stec Marto: The technician on the Council, he's constantly fixing the projector when I slice it in two.
Frentac Smenta: Skilled with explosives. His motto is: "There's nothing too big to destroy. So don't get in my way!"
Terscanee Awze: A mercenary skilled in the art of spying, friends with Frentac.
Arthac Naught: Account on the Council. Responsible purely for the deficit lately - it wasn't me I promise!
Count Dooku: Recently added to the council to replace a Bantha that was slain when they started to eat my notes.
Hatred: A hateful old Bantha - long, messy hair.
Killer: A deadly Bantha - short, neatly groomed hair.
Fury: A young Bantha that is not easily pleased - tangled mess of greasy hair.
Death: A very old bantha - grey hair and the slowest of all the Banthas.
Grave: A determined young Bantha that it likely to get himself killed - small with moderate length hair.
Angry: A spiteful Bantha of moderate age who insists on having ribbons in their hair - wears ribbons in a coat of long shiny hair.

The last six are merely place holders, however, they do get a say in the running of the Army when I’m not around - they are made to stand in a pen of their choice, where they are is what they vote for (only for Yes/No decisions).

It was this council that decided to go to war with Count Dooku luring the Banthas into a pen with the promise of a day with Yoda. They went in and it was a 7-6 vote with the Banthas and Dooku winning. So now I'm on my way to Kamino to try and keep as many droids as possible alive.

posted by General Grievous at 6:50 PM | Permalink | 1 comments
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Guess who's back...
Yes, I'm back! Back and I'm not sure if it's for the better, things around here are deteriorating fast:
  • the Council of 13 have sent us into war on Kamino
  • my droids haven't cleaned the ship up in weeks
  • the droids have shut themselves down and are refusing to come back online
On the plus side, I have received get well cards from many people; it was a terrible ordeal but quite fun when looking back:


This Little Green Monkey doesn't have the best body for inhabiting, it so short and... well... it's so.... green! (Has the very nice power of the Force Wedgies)

Mace Windu

His head is so shiny he can see his own reflection in it, and the amount of skincare products he has... don't even get me started on that... (They're hidden under his bed).

Jawa Juice

Well I have to hand it to him... he has a lot to think about and do, but he sure does get it done.


He's awake at the best of times and oblivious to what people are saying all the time!


Nothing to say really, just don't drink his tea unless you really want a wake up call, very persuasive.


Really need to keep in contact with his parents more often - other than that; he has a nice apartment.


Just not born for a job - one of those Unemployable people, quite lucky he's a Jedi.

Jar Jar
Clumsy - no other word is a better description of him, he's just plain clumsy. His tongue is rather useful though.

Well... If I was meant to learn a lesson from this, I haven't - except
  • Don't go to a shrink who tells you to take a drink from a phial
  • Don't take directions or brochures from people in the street
  • Always take notice of what others are saying and respond accordingly
  • Watch where you are going and think about what you are doing!

On a side note a few days ago, while I was myself at night, I had a dream.

I this dream a Werewolf was standing over me at the local gas station. He was dripping oil and I was in pieces - I have yet to discover the meaning of this if indeed there is one.
posted by General Grievous at 8:55 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
How wude!
Mesa woken upsa thissen mornen to der most throbben headache mesa had since dat Trade Federation ivaden mesa home. Mesa was in moy moy pain, so muchsa that mesa had to see der Doctor.

Mesa wassen on mesa way, minden mesa business, when a strange human came on walken up to mesa.
"Whosa are yousa?"
"Would you like to receive cheap healthcare with no compromises on quality?"
"Yesa, mesa would, I was on mesa way to one now."
"Yes, I know."
"How do yousa know that mesa goen to der doctors?"
"With a face like that I would be seeing a surgeon!"
"Whatsa are yousa talking about....."

Hesa ran away! He left mesa a brochure for der cheap healthcare. mesa needen cheap everything, so mesa goen along to thisen place labelled "VET" on der map attached, itsa haven the most cheap services.

When mesa arriven at der "VET" mesa was told dat theysa only serven pets. Mesa was told that mesa should go to thissen "mental doctor" down the road.

Thissen "mental doctor" was waiten in hersa office, and apparently expecten mesa!

"I thought I'd see you soon, General Grievous."
"Mesa no General Grievous, hesa a bad bad uhhhhh..... man droid thingy!"
"I assure you, you are him!"

Shesa thensa taken outsa a mirror and showen mesa face.

"Get itsa offa mesa! Nowsa!!!!"
"I can turn you back permanently General Grievous, you just need to drink this."
Shesa then holden a phile, thissen phile had a purplish liquid in itsa.
"So all mesa needen to do is drinken thatsa there phile?"
"That’s it, now have you learned the errors of your ways?"
Mesa diven at hersa to get der phile, shesa wassen expecten thissen move, mesa had the phile in mesa hands, mesa droppen der phile. Itsa shattered on der floor; quickly mesa tongue was out an licken der floor spotless.

Arghhh mesa tongue!!! Der glass shards were moy moy sharp. Mesa wassen runnen outsa thissen building and finden der hospital.
posted by General Grievous at 6:43 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Da 1's First Job
S'up dawgs.

Like, Y-dawg kicked me out of the Jedi chambers yesterday claiming I needed to pull my weight around the place. I like retaliated with "why ain't you making Obs get a job, he can barely get up?" and spit, but he wasn't givin in.

I looked and found the perfect job: I was going to be a bouncer and this ragin club, I mean, how hard can it be. Well the guy liked my references of being a Jedi, that and my threat to do what I did to the Sand vermin back home; so I told him "your people call my people and you can give me the job."

After like only a few steps out of the place I get a call saying I have the Job, and when can I start. So I get back and get in my meanest get up and yell a quick comment to Y-dawg.
"Hey Master Y'se, I’m off to my job."
"Actually hire you, someone did?"
"Yea, I’m bein a bouncer."
As I left that guy was making a sound like a cat with a hairball.

So, I arrive at my job where they take a picture of me for my ID.

So I like, stood around till early morning the next day when my Boss came out and said I was fired.

"You can't to this me, I’m the One. You can't fire the One!"
"You stood round drinking last night!"
"So, it's a night club? That what you're meant to do."
"Not when you're working, and especially when you charge it the work account."
"But I should be able to"
"Cause I'm the One."

He kicked me out! He banned me from the best Club on the planet. What’s Pads going to say when she hears about this...
posted by General Grievous at 3:56 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Friday, November 04, 2005
Woa - Far Out Man
"Good morning, Qui."
"Mornin..." *yawns*
"Say, aren't your parents coming over for lunch?"
"Isn't today the day your parents are coming for lunch?"

My parents are very old, they were born in like the land before time, they're so old that I'm not sure if how old they are, I've lost count. Anyway, they haven’t seen me in over two decades; they think I'm still a Jedi, and that I'm still alive. This lunch was arranged when I was still alive and I ran into them on some distant planet, I couldn't stay for long so we arranged for them to come and see me twenty years latter.

"Hey, J.J. you couldn't do us a favour, could you?"
"Sure, what do you want done?"
"Well... my parents still think I'm a Jedi, so I need you to go over to the Jedi Temple and pick them up when they arrive and bring them here."
"Why don't you want to do it?"
"I don't want them to be too shocked; on the way back you're to tell them I'm not a Jedi any more..."
"Sure, buddy, what ever you want."

At 11 J.J. went to pick my parents up, I went and made sure all the preparations were done; food cooking, stereo on, and that I was looking good:
Ok, everything is ready, I sat and waited.

Finally, at 11:30 I heard J.J. pull up out side.
"Here we are Mr and Mrs Jinn."

The door opened and there were my parents; framed in the doorway, their mouths slack. My mother fainted. When she came round five minutes later she finally spoke to me for the first time in 20 years.
"You're..... You're..... D e a d....."
"Yes, I'm dead, I was killed some time ago"
"Why didn't you tell your father and I?"
"I didn't want to scare you."

After reassuring my parents that this wasn't some cruel trick, we sat down and talked about their life back home.
"The farm is going well, it's not making much of a profit, but it pays the bills. You must be doing all right for yourself if you live in a place like this."
"Yeah it's a nice place. J.J. just redecorated it."

"Hey, Qui, you want me to bring your biscuits out now?"
"Yeah, thanks bud."

A minute latter J.J. emerged carrying a large platter of biscuits, which he placed on the table in front of us. My parents started eating them straight away.
"Say, these remind me of a plant we secretly grew in our shed when I was young, that was until the authorities confiscated it."
"J.J., kitchen, NOW!"

"J.J. where exactly did you get the biscuits from?"
"Well there weren't any in the oven but I saw some in here so I thought they were them."
"You just fed my parents a batch of extra potent brownies!"
"Oh dear..."

When we emerged from the kitchen we found my parents running round the room like children. After many attempts to calm them down, we gave up and grabbed a couple of brownies ourselves.

My parents left looking quite peaceful in the back of a disgruntled cab driver's cab.
posted by General Grievous at 9:23 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Oh Bother...
Last night was simply awful. I was awoken by the worst splitting headache conceivable only to find that I had left the oven on and my crumpets were absolutely ruined. I settled down to sleep again to find that I had holes in my pillow, now what on earth could cause that?

In the morning I found out why my linen was being gradually shredded.

"Get back vile demon!"

"You shall not pass!! I say, you shall not pass!!!"

How has this happened? I'll need to cancel tea with Master Sidious again, how unfortunate.

"Hello, Palpatine speaking."
"Good morning old chap!"
"Uhhhh... Dooku stay off the old stuff, you know I'm sensitive about my age."
"Well, I just have to say that I'm felling dreadful, and won't be able to make our morning tea today. I'll send you some tea for you to have."
"No, no, no… you don’t need to go to all that effort for me!"
"But I insist, it will be with you before 10."

All in all, it wasn’t the most spiffing day that I’ve had.

posted by General Grievous at 9:27 PM | Permalink | 4 comments