Access Granted: Welcome General *cough* Grievous
Sunday, October 30, 2005
The Mess of the Republic
I had a splitting headache last night, this morning it had disappeared as fast as it had come. I travelled to work where a group of press were waiting to take pictures for Coruscant Daily News. So into my office I went and was followed by about 5 photographers. When the pictures had been taken and I had given them answers to the questions they didn't ask, I waited to see what they had written.

30 minutes latter my secretary walked in and placed the paper in front of me. On the front page was a huge picture of me.

Accompanying the picture was an article that the Republic was falling apart as a result of bad budgeting. "'As it stands that Republic is soon going to be owing money to the Hutts as it spends copious amounts on clothing for the Chancellor' said one Senator." I wish I knew who that Senator was.

However, this was the first that I had heard about such financial problems, I wasn't aware that my gifting of money to the Separatists had put such a huge dent in the annual turnover. It did however spark an interest in what we were spending money on:

Working "Meals": 10% - That seems reasonable
Clothing for Public Appearances: 8% - What are we to do without this?
War/Military: 47% - I suppose this has to be spent
"Charity": 10% - This isn't that much for the Separatists
Travel Fares: 7% - Fuel prices really are increasing
Jedi Funding: 3% - Why are we funding them?
Other: 15%

Next Senate meeting we should discuss fundraising techniques.
"Sir, the caterer wants to know what you would like for lunch!"
posted by General Grievous at 7:45 pm | Permalink | 2 comments
Friday, October 28, 2005
Behind the Brownies
Urghhh... I had such a headache last night, it kept me awake for most of the night. I really shouldn't eat the produce before I go to sleep.

I walked into my new bathroom and went to splash my face with water. Then I saw...

I saw...

I don't believe what I saw...

Well I suppose I should tell you what I saw...

Well, here it is...

I saw...

"Are you up yet J.J.? The media are here to listen to something you have to say."

Now I remember - I called the media round for an announcement.

"Welcome, members of the Press, stockholders, and angry protesters. Qui Gon doesn't want you to know this but I feel that you should know that the brownie business is about to hit an all time low. This means you should sell your stock in Uncle Jinn and J.J.'s and buy when they hit rock bottom. This is not a ploy to make us money."

"What I told you not to mention that!"

"It had to be said Qui."

After lunch I went and checked our sales of the Brownies.
"WHAT! I don't believe it! I really don't believe it!"

"What is it J.J.? Did you finally start that thing up?"

"Uhh... yeah, I did. But it says we've hit an all time high in Brownie sales, we're even beating McDooku's."

"So, like, this means people like us, and don't want to see us go?"

"I guess it does, I guess it does.
posted by General Grievous at 4:51 pm | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
"Oh So Pretty"

My head... my nice lovely shiny head.... it's.... it's....







My head’s made of metal!!! Did you hear that Coruscant? My head’s made of METAL!!!

[Bang! Bang! Bang!]
"Heard you the first time, we did. Now quite in there, be, or Force Wedgie you, I must!"

I couldn't get to sleep so I went into the Jedi Archives and walked on up to the Karaoke machine... but it wasn't there! I walked up to the chief Archiver Madam Somethingorother; she doesn't really like me and the Karaoke machine.

"Where's the Karaoke machine?"

"We got rid of that horrid contraption!"

"You can't do that? You need a Jedi Master to sign a form for that!"

"Ahhh... you see... we did have a Master sign the form."

"Who signed the form?"

"I believe it was Master Yoda."

Furiously, I stormed up to our living quarters to consult Yoda. Along the way I glanced at my reflections in the windows, longing for my wonderful smooth head.

I found Yoda watching a Holo reel in his room.
"Why did you sign away the Karaoke machine?"

"Bad, that thing was. Hurt me and others, it did."

"But why... [starts crying] why... why... why..."

"Stand listening you sing 'Oh So Pretty' once more, I couldn't. Shut you up, I had to, for my sanity, it was. Plus, a good documentary Holo reel, the archive lady, gave me."

I walked off, still sulking, and went to the dumpsters outside the building. There I found my precious Karaoke machine.

It had been unceremoniously thrown from high up into the dumpster; they didn't even have the decency to carry it down!
posted by General Grievous at 6:40 pm | Permalink | 3 comments
Monday, October 24, 2005
The Man in the Mirror
Bad night sleep, I had. Need coffee, I do. Talk in these funny sentences, why do I? Look in the mirror I must.

Going there, I am.

Walk too fast, I can not.

Finally, there, I am. A fright, I got.

ARGHHHHHH..... My body, happened to it, what did? That potion, it must have been. See that Doctor, I ought to (In the post below, information, you will find.). As soon as the toilet I find, I will.

Out into the corridor, I walked. Ran into Windu, I did. A strong urge to hurt him, I did.
"Shiny, out of my way, move!"

"Do you, think so?"


"Thank you Yoda, you haven't given me such a complement since... you haven't ever given me such a complement."

"Get out of the way, will you?"

"But, we have a Council meeting to go to."

"But, see the Doctor, I must."

Dragged to the Council Chambers, by my robes, I was. Sit on a chair, I did. Supposedly, on the wrong chair, I sat. In Kenobi's chair, I was. Even better, I felt.

At lunch time, to see the Doctor, I went. Expect to have a slinging mach, I did not.
"My body, give back!"

"It is for your own good."

"Good, how is it? Angrier, it makes me. Talk like this, I can not, for much longer."

"Too bad, you will be like this for the rest of the day."

"Spend the rest of the day with Windu, you are asking me?"


Back to the Council, I flew. Left my indicator was on for 10 minutes, a fine, I did not deserve! Arrive late, I did. Apparently, tarnished my reputation now is. At least, Yoda's fine and reputation, it is.

Only end, the day did, when Force Wedgies, to all the Jedi, I delivered.

posted by General Grievous at 9:17 am | Permalink | 6 comments
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Routine Examination

Today I had to go and see a psychiatrist on Master Sidious's orders; he claims it is in the fine print of my contract. It must be incredibly fine; I went over it on 500% zoom and still couldn't find it. Anyway, he insists that it's there and ordered me to see the shrink.

I walked up to the receptionist, in a huge marble chamber, on Hoth.
Grievous: I'm here to see Dr Happtise.
Receptionist: You must be General Grievous! Right this way, I will see you now.
Grievous: You? But I'm here to see Dr Happtise!
Receptionist: I am Dr Happtise; we've been having some financial difficulties at the moment. Can you believe that people don't like coming to see psychiatrists?
Grievous: Ahhh.... no....
Dr Happtise: Here we are.

She turned into another huge room. This one was made of wood panels and a floor to ceiling bookcase that covered the walls. Dr Happtise walked over to her solid wood desk and motioned for me to lie on a leather sofa.
Dr Happtise: So, why are you here?
Grievous: Because Darth Sidious sent me here.
Dr Happtise: I have no time for jokes like that! Now, why are you here?
Grievous: I told you, Darth Sidious sent me here!
Dr Happtise: No he didn't! [She pulled out a thick cane the size of small tree]
Grievous: Umm... My employer sent me.
Dr Happtise: That's better. How why did they send you here?
Grievous: How should I know? I'm not them.
Dr Happtise: Ok, who do you dislike?
Grievous: Yoda, Mace Windu, Jar Jar, some other Jedi and other people.
Dr Happtise: And who are your friends, or who can you tolerate?
Grievous: Palpatine, Dooku, and a few others.
Dr Happtise: Would they know why you're here?
Grievous: How should I know? I'm not them.
Dr Happtise: I see, well that’s what we need to fix.

She went to her desk and pulled out a phial, with a lime green liquid in it, and gave it to me.
Dr Happtise: Now drink this!
Grievous: No, I don't know what’s in it.
Dr Happtise: I said drink it! [She raises her cane]
Grievous: Alright!

After that she said I could leave. Now that was an experience I could have done without, that liquid tasted like lemon and lime earwax.

posted by General Grievous at 12:02 am | Permalink | 4 comments
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Party at Palpatine's
Last week I held an awesome party in Palpatine's office. Here's a group picture: Quite a few people turned up, some on false pretences (I couldn't give away my location to some people in case they told their Army):
Anakin Skywalker
Jawa Juice
Mace Windu
Padme Amidala
Jar Jar Binks
Qui-Gon Jinn

Palps did not like a party in his office and went around trying to get everyone to leave. Needless to say that no one did. In fact I don't think anyone paid any attention to him after he went around the room once. Eventually he joined in and relaxed - I think the spice that Qui Gon put in his drink helped.

Jawa Juice and Qui-Gon talked about their Business and tried to sell brownies to a few people. I even saw them approach Dooku from behind.
JJ: Would you like some Uncle Jinn and JJ's brownies for a one time onl-
At this point Dooku turned around and they realised they were talking to their enemy.
Dooku: And I suppose you will be wanting some McDooku's, how delightful.
JJ: Ahhh... never mind.
They quickly went over to another group of people.

Master Yoda was very surprised to see what he had been invited to.
Yoda: An urgent conference, this certainly is not!
He was about to leave when Dooku spotted him from across the room.
Dooku: Yoda old fellow! How smashing to run into you here!
Yoda: Dooku, come near me, you will not. If you do, feel my Atomic Force Wedgie, you will.
They then went and fought over the window seat, while throwing insults at each other.

Jar Jar turned up and almost killed the party by tripping over a speaker and sending them both to the floor in a crumpled heap. I went to plug the speaker in but Jar Jar insisted that he'd fix it.
Jar Jar: Sorry, issen mesa fault. Mesa fixen itsa.
Finally after being shocked several times Jar Jar got the wires back into the speaker. However they were in the wrong place. Once Jar Jar had moved around the room I went and put them in their correct places.

Mace Windu turned up looking rather uncomfortable.
Mace: Sorry I'm late, Yoda gave me a Force wedgie to try stop me from following him
In the background I could hear Yoda say, "next time, more painful it will be."
Mace: I hope the party wasn't ruined by my absence.
Grievous: Uhhh... no it wasn't. In fact your not even on the invites list.
Mace: I'm prepared to overlook that now that I'm here to grace the room with my good looks.
At this Yoda made a face of disgust, as did many others.

Padme and Anakin arrived together, Yoda quickly remarked on the absence of Obi Wan:
Yoda: Lost Kenobi, have you?
Anakin: Five turns ago Y-dawg!
Oddly enough we saw Obi Wan speed past the window three times during the night. During that time Anakin and Padme were to be found near Palps' drink cabinet, taking sips of his extra strength vodka.

All in all the party was a huge success, they people loved it, I loved it, and Palps is left with the cleaning up. I leave Coruscant tomorrow and should be onboard the Invisible hand a few days after that.
posted by General Grievous at 6:24 pm | Permalink | 3 comments
Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Master Sidious ordered me to take part in this "tagging" game.

10 years ago I was:
Happily climbing my way up the military ladder on Kalee
Choosing which suit of armour I would wear at the next parade
Cooking gourmet dishes in my five star apartment

5 years ago I was:
Hunting some Jedi
Cursing the Republic

1 year ago I was:
Hunting some Jedi
Cursing the Republic
Making fun of Yoda

Yesterday I was:
Hunting some Jedi
Cursing the Republic
Making fun of Yoda
Enjoying a party at Palpatine's (details tomorrow)

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
Roast beef
Steamed Scurrier

5 songs I know all the words to:
Killing Jedi ("In the midnight hours we kill more, more, more")
One group of Jedi on the wall (popular travel song)
Sith Deeds (my Sith style remix of Eminem's "Evil Deeds")
The theme song of "So you want to be a Sith Lord"
Where is the death (remix of B.E.P.'s "Where is the Love")

5 ideal places for running away to:
The Invisible Hand
Noel's Resort Ship

5 items you will never see me wear:
A suit
Military uniform
A hat
You will almost never see me wear any clothes at all

5 biggest joys in my life:
Slaying Jedi
Eating Pizza
Torturing Jedi
Making fun of Yoda
Defending myself in Court

3 favourite toys:
My lightsaber
My other lightsabers
My security droid that I left on Survivor: Tatooine

5 tags:
Commando Rage
Yarael Poof
Jawa Juice
Han Solo

If you want to be tagged by me just ask. I'll add you to the list above.

posted by General Grievous at 8:36 pm | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Assault on Coruscant - Part 15 (Jail Break)
The outcome of last night can be said in one short statement: Party at Palpatine's tomorrow!

It was midnight, the sky was dark, the prison was asleep, and I finished my dinner (deep fried Scurrier) four hours ago. I was casually doing a 3D crossword, when I looked out the window and saw a pair of headlights drift down, out of the sky. When the vehicle was closer my eyes flicked to the under carriage, it had four wheels! I was drawn back into reality by the sound of a familiar voice:

Palps: Hey Grievous, do us a favour and tie this around the bars.

Grievous: Uhhhh... my cell is one of those Maximum Security cells.
Palps: What?
Grievous: They don't have bars!
Palps: Then why don't you just climb out the window?
Grievous: Because I am 20 stories up, and will we baked if I touch the shield around my window.
Palps: Ahhh... right. I don't see what we can do for you. We thought you had bars on your window.
Grievous: You saw my cell yesterday and examined it from top to bottom!
Palps: We'll.... I forgot to check the window.

This exchange continued in the rushed two minutes before the guards arrived.
Grievous: Come back in six hours, and bring something to deactivate this shield.

At six the car returned, but this time it was towing a trailer with a mobile electronic jammer.
Bandit A: Start up the jammer!
Bandit B: Why don't you do it! You're closer to the switch!
Bandit A: But I flew here!
Bandit B: But you're closer!
Bandit A: But I flew her-
Palps: Will one of you press the button, or am I paying you to fight.
Bandit A: Yes Sir! Press the button!
Bandit B: No!
Palps: Give me the button.
Once Palps pressed the button the shield flickered and died, letting in the cold night air.

After a minute of twisting and turning, I finally managed to pull myself free of the window and into the four wheeled museum piece.
Grievous: What's with all these bars?
Bandit A: They're necessary to get a warrant to fly; they're to protect us if we crash.
Palps: Are we going to leave now?
Bandit A: On it already!
Palps: Then why aren't we moving?
Bandit A: Oops, wrong pedal.

Eventually we left the prison behind us and flew to Palps's apartment. He has generously offered to let me stay in it while he secures a flight off the planet for me.
posted by General Grievous at 4:40 pm | Permalink | 2 comments
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Assault on Coruscant - Part 14 (The Lawyer)

My lawyer visited me today in me cell.

Guard: Your Lawyer is here. [Opens the door]
Lawyer: Yes, yes, I am here.
Grievous: Is that you Palps?
Grievous: I'm sure it's you, Palps.
Palps: Yes it is me; I'm here to get you out of here.
Grievous: May I say that most Lawyers wear suits, not cargo pants and a sweatshirt.
Palps: Ohh, I.... ummm... was trying to look unlike myself... that’s it! I was trying to not look me!
Grievous: Ok... So how are you going to get me out of here?
Palps: Well, I'm just going to walk out of here. Why do you ask?
Grievous: No, how are you going to get ME out of here?
Palps: Ok... here's the plan....

You will be asleep at 6 tomorrow night. The guards change every six hours. When they change we will be outside the window. When we tell you to, you will climb through the window and out to freedom.

Grievous: There are some problems in that plan!
Palps: What! I paid several bandits to come up with that! It's foolproof I tell you! Foolproof!
Grievous: No one is asleep at 6; it is still light at 6.
Palps: O...
Grievous: I'll leave the other problems for you to rethink. Carry out the task at midnight tomorrow.
Palps: So be it! I'll hire another team of smarter thieves and villains and break you out of here tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will be saved; tomorrow I will be sane again.

posted by General Grievous at 5:04 pm | Permalink | 1 comments
Monday, October 10, 2005
Assault on Coruscant - Part 13

This cell is small, dark and cold. It is about three meters squared and contains a metal bed, a toilet, and a basin. There is a window that is shielded and offers a view of the prison yard below. There is a large crack between the window and the floor where a family of spiders are making their home.

This place is driving me crazy!

I have heard a rumour of my escape from the other prisoners at meal times.
Yesterday a guard came into my cell and announced that my lawyer would be coming to see me in 2 days time. I told him that I didn't need a lawyer but he wouldn't listen. I guess it will break the monotony of this place. Maybe I can escape dressed in his clothes? I will just have to wait.

posted by General Grievous at 6:43 pm | Permalink | 1 comments
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Assault on Coruscant - Part 12

Yesterday we went into hiding, after our attack on the barracks in the Republic's military base. I was hiding under a bridge, my magnetic feet clinging to the bridge with me dangling upside down underneath. Fourteen hours of my fluids seeping into my brain was all that I could take. I emerged from under the bridge and climbed onto it.

I was standing behind a pair of clones who were evidently on guard to find our group. I slowly tiptoed backwards, trying to get away from them. I have been getting good at moving of metal quietly, I use my repulsorlifts to stop exerting a lot of pressure on the metal. They didn't hear me back away.

However, they most certainly did hear me fall backwards off the bridge and into the garbage cans below.

Clone One: What was that?
Clone Two: Probably a Coruscant citizen walking home after an afternoon at the bar.
Clone One: We should investigate it; t could be General Grievous or one of his followers.
[The Clones walk to the edge of the bridge and peer over the side]
Clone Two: See it's only a drunk droid collapsed in a pile of garbage cans.
[Clone One looks at the issued picture of General Grievous and then stares at the droid on the ground]
Clone One: That is General Grievous!

They climbed down to the level that I was on. I was away, running around one corner after the next.

I should have paid more attention to where I was going! I ran around in a circle and collided with the Clone that was looking for me.

Clone: General Grievous, you are under arrest! You have the right to remain silent! Anything you do say can and will be used against you!
Grievous: I refuse to come with you!
Clone lieutenant: General Grievous, surrender or you will be fired upon!
I looked around. From points along higher walkways, many Clones had their rifles trained on me.
Grievous: Ok, I surrender!

I was taken away and placed in the cell that I'm in now. They say I'll be on trial in a few days from now. I guess I can only wait and read the book "How to Beat the Best"; it's about how to outwit and win against the best lawyers.

posted by General Grievous at 6:51 pm | Permalink | 4 comments
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Assault on Coruscant - Part 11
After much consideration, and listening in on official conversations, we decided to attack the Republic’s barracks. Using Zin’s hidden map:

… we planed to walk through the door, kill everyone, and walk back out again.

That of course is not how it went but it was the extent of our plans. We actually crept up on the barracks from behind and climbed in through the laundry window. Once inside we destroyed their washing machines and dryers. Then we walked into the kitchen, where we ate lunch (we had gone some days without food).

Then we were spotted as some sleepy clone stumbled into the kitchen, seeking water. We disposed of him with the flash of a blaster, but unfortunately they shriek he emitted woke up the clones in the next room.

Me: Assume defensive positions!

We all ran and hid behind various objects, I was behind a military grade toaster and Zin was behind a huge kettle. The clones came in without their armour on, but the rifles they were holding made them no less deadly.

The kitchen was alive with blaster fire, as I had no blaster with me I started to make some toast. Once the toast was cooked, I spread some low fat butter on it. Then I ate it and started again.

After about 3 pieces of toast the fighting had stopped. We had lost 2 droids, but they had received many casualties.

Me: Ok men, we are going to run through the barracks and out the entrance. Once out we run to the fence and jump over it.
All: Yes Sir!

We ran through into the sleeping quarters of the group we had just killed and through into the next one, only after I had taken one of the rifles for myself. The next group was ready for us; we lost many more droids and one bounty hunter before they were destroyed. By my estimation there were three more rooms to go through before the exit.

The third group was actually the third and forth combined in the one room. They were all bunched in the one room that a few were arguing over the few hiding spaces in the room. This time I was able to use my lightsabers, so I did. I went darting in and out of the laser fire, striking down the enemy clones, whirling my four blades, and at times 6, until all were dead.

The last room was still asleep. We carefully approached one target each and prepared to simultaneously kill out target. It was a hoax. They all leapt up as one and started firing at us. We lost many droids and bounty hunters in that battle.

When we finally reached the exit we quickly jumped the fence and went into our designated hiding places before the next night when we were to meet.

posted by General Grievous at 8:55 am | Permalink | 5 comments
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Assault on Coruscant - Part 10
Zin helped alot getting into the military base on Coruscant; he had an interesting map embroided into the inside of his jacket.

Zin: The base is just round the next corner, so be quiet.
Clunk, clunk, clunk
Zin: I said he quiet!
Me: You try walking quietly on metal with metal feet!
Zin: All the other are quiet.
Me: Well "all the others" have shoes that help reduce the sound!
Zin: Fine just hurry up, they will change the guards soon.

Sure enough, as we moved into position, the guards were changed:
We ran to the wall and with the help of our replsorlifts, we jumped over it and landed on the other side. We quickly ran behind a building.

Me: We need some place to hide for a night.
Zin: Ok, follow me!

He led us to a very small metal room, which is where we are staying for the night.
posted by General Grievous at 9:20 am | Permalink | 0 comments