Access Granted: Welcome General *cough* Grievous
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Target: Coruscant
Well recently the seperatist leaders have had a debate on whether or not we should attack Coruscant. The argument stands at: *cough*

  • Their troops are better than our droids
  • It is easier to defend than attack
  • We will lose many ships approaching Coruscant
  • They have Jedi
  • Our forces are more numerous than theirs and easily rebuildable
  • We won't have lost much if we fail
  • Our technology is superior
  • We have me
  • We have Dooku
The vote is scheduled to take place tomorrow. Will we attack the Republic? *cough*
posted by General Grievous at 8:04 pm | Permalink | 0 comments
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Visiting the Doctors
Well after a while te doctors back on Geonosis asked me to come back for a checkup on my coughing, that was when I realised that I wasn't coughing anymore.

Well I went to the doctors and I started coughing again, now this was wierd - do I have an allergy to orgainc lifeforms? Possibly, but all the time I was with Jabba I didn't cough, and Jabba is organic - or is he? The climate on Tatooine is similar to Geonosis, so it can't be that.

Looks like I might to find a better doctor as the Geonoisians have no idea what is wrong.
posted by General Grievous at 7:16 am | Permalink | 10 comments
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Working with Jabba...
During my stay with Jabba I had some people take some photos of me performing my tasks:

This is what I had to wear while picking up the garbage at the Stadium

Here I am backing away from the Sarlacc - the arm I lost was one of my split arms

Jabba being a huge pain in the back

My personal favourite - DJ Grievous. The best day of my service

What the camp is behind me? That makes sense now
Me killing Jabba's Rancor - Meat anyone?

Well now I'm back onboard the Invisible Hand, I'm about to start to help Dooku with his fast food franchise.
posted by General Grievous at 5:17 pm | Permalink | 4 comments
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Rancor? What Rancor?

Yesterday Jabba sent me to his droid torture area, I had been told that the droid resonsible for dipping the other droids in acid lent over too far and had fallen into the vat of acid, and so I was to be the replacement.

It started off rather boring, that being said I was having fun slowly dropping droids in the acid untill they talked. It heated up at around lunch time when a torture droid rolled up to be and tried to jab me with a heated piece of metal - this was pointless as they droid was so slow that I easily dodged it and it plowed on straight into the vat. I was thinking that that would be all but another droid came at me wielding a blaster, this wasn't good - I had only one lightsabre on me for fear of losing them in the acid - so out came the lightsabre and I started deflecting bolts as some hired bounty hunters ran through the door and started firing their blasters at me. My wrist was working hurridly blocking the shots while I was being backed up to the edge of the vat.

Suddenly one started running forward and the others followed. Doing the only thing possible I activated my repulsorlifts and flew out over the vat. The first bounty hunters stopped, but the others not seeing where they were going ran into them and fell into the vat. I then wasted no time slaying the droid and walking out of the room.


Jabba was not happy when I saw after being summoned to him this morning, then again does he ever look happy? Well he talked a bit, I had no idea what he was saying, and signalled to some person. Then I fell.

I landed on the sandy floor of some roughly made prison. Somebody from above yelled "Have fun with the Rancor" and sure enough a door opened and out came soemthing that did not seem like a Rancor - they are meant to be giant scary things - but this was like a giant fly.

First it charged, second it missed, third in ran into the wall. I was really getting fed up with Jabba's incompetent murderers. It turned around and charged again, I sidestepped it whipped out my lightsaber and cut it along its side. Its last breath was taken looking at me with a look of defeat.

I decided to leave, I activated my repulsorlifts, flew up to the ceiling and cut my way into the room above, walked past Jabba and into the desert and called my ship to send down a landing vessel. I was away from Tatooine within 2 hours of killing the Rancor.
posted by General Grievous at 3:59 pm | Permalink | 2 comments
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Me Translate?
Yesterday's task for Jabba was very painful:

I was marched to Jabba and told, by some green dancer that could speak both Basic and Huttese, that I would be Jabba's translator for the day! Well I thought I could have some fun with this.

The first person to visit Jabba was a rather wierd looking guy who was hailed as a high ranking official from a nearby settlement, at least he spoke Basic or I would have been dead. He was there to ask if Jabba could stop the Tuskens from stealing their slaves. Well Jabba said something and I relayed it to the guy as "The mighty Jaba does not like you! He will kill you! He will kill your family!" He ran, I think, Jabba had heard what I had said and quickly bodyslammed me, he is soo heavy! I was thrown to my room after that.

Today's task was alot less interesting but more exciting at the same time:

I was sent out Tusken hunting! I had fun with the Tusken a few weeks back and I had to do it again! And as part of a punishment! What could be better!

They dropped like flies when I charged into their camp, and then a group of Tuskens dropped some heavy rock off a cliff and onto my head and I was knocked unconscious.

I woke to find myself tied to a cross and one lightsaber mising, thanks alot Anakin! I still had 3 left, Tuskens really aren't smart, but I was still tied to the cross and couldn't reach my lightsabers. The ropes seemed lossly tied so I decided to try out a new trick of mine; I split my arms apart and stretched the rope to its limit and soon after it snaped and I off I went to continue my slaying.
posted by General Grievous at 5:56 pm | Permalink | 2 comments
Friday, August 19, 2005
Entertainment Time
Jabba is getting to be a large pain in the back, quite literally, he decided he wanted to see Tatooine at night and ordered me to carry him around the desert in the middle of the night. He partially made up for that when he summoned me for my service for today:

Well, believe it or not, I am talented in the way of the musical arts, or at least in mixing them. This I found out today as it was by the request of Jabba that I would be the "DJ" at his lunch. I thought that this would not take long, well how long can it take to eat lunch, unfortunately the Hutts have a tradition that when hungry they eat alot, and when not hungry they only eat a little. Well I can tell you that eating alot takes along time for Jabba, over 4 hours it turned out.

So I was stuck remixing music for along time, now I need new finger pads as this set is nearly worn through.
posted by General Grievous at 8:51 pm | Permalink | 5 comments
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Lunch Time
Today was interesting in several ways:
  • I heard that Dooku is setting up his own fast food chain. Needless to say I have pledged my fleet to him and wish him the all the best with his venture, he just forgot one meal: Hutt Surprise.
  • Today it was decided that my five hours of service would be spent feeding Jabba's prize winning sarlacc! This proved to my advantage as being part droid it didn't sense that I was there, well thats what I thought. It sensed that I was there when I was in range of its tentacles. A tentacle cut through the air towards me, I was still carrying its lunch and didn't see it coming, and tore off one of my lower arms. Well that was it, nom mister nice Grievous for him! Out came my lightsaber and off went its tentacles. After throwing its lunch, stil in its bag, into the sarlacc I turned and ran before it could realise what had happened.
Of course I have just severely damaged Jabba's pride and joy but the overseer won't be mentioning it untill I'm long gone from here.
posted by General Grievous at 4:20 pm | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Well, my laptop siezed up two days ago so I couldn't post about what has been happening. So here it goes: *cough*
  • Day one I was told what to do on days two and three and show around Jabba's palace and the pod racing stadium *cough*
  • Day two I was dragged from the slave quarters to begin my cleaning of the pits. There was oil and grime everywhere, and this is a place made of sand and I was expected to clean it up. Well that took a while to complete; the overseer tried to make me use a mop to mop the oil up and only gave up when I told him to try to mop it up! And no i did not mention that I'd slay him If he didn't give up. Once that was done I had one minute and then my five hours for that day were done.
  • Day three I was taken back to the pod race stadium and forced to clean the stands, and they were digusting! Galactic Gum everywhere but the garbage obliterator: under the seats, on the seats, on the rails, beneath corpses, under the garbage obliterator, and on the garbage obliterator! It took me a full four hours to get rid of it all. I spent the remaining time laying a fresh layer of carpet for Jaba's private box.
  • Day four, today, I was taken to Jabba and told by his droid that I would be giving him a massage for five hours. Well that wasn't too bad, if a little wierd, so I walked up to the droid and started massaging it only to find that I had to massage Jaba! Disgusting! Well I am very lucky that I can go to sleep and continue doing a repeditive activity so I slept and massaged that lump of goo. I'm so glad I'm part droid.
Tomorrow Jabba and his droid will have something else for me to do, I just have to wonder what it will be.
posted by General Grievous at 7:07 am | Permalink | 3 comments
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Meeting the Hutts

After the holiday on Naboo I, very reluctantly flew back to Tatooine, to serve out my 50 hours of community service with the Hutts. *cough* My first impressions of them were “Where are they?” and when a translator droid said that they were right in front of me I exclaimed “What? These giant blobs?” Well it turns out those giant blobs were the Hutts and I was already in trouble with them. *cough*

Well the first spoken words from the Jaba were so confusing that I can’t remember them *cough* but his droid said “The Mighty Jabba says that you are to spend your sentence over ten days by doing five hours of his bidding a day!”

Well after that I was sent away to go and start cleaning the pod race stands and pit at Mos Eisley, this will take me a couple of days of this service. *cough*

posted by General Grievous at 7:14 am | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, August 11, 2005
J.J. Caught Out
The analysis droid has finished its work and has found that J.J was indeed using wires and mirrors (why mirrors I have no idea) *cough*

That Jawa must have had a holographic projector on him to mask the wires and mirror, as well as some kind of hover board connected to the wires, well I demand a rematch sometime! *cough*
posted by General Grievous at 4:35 pm | Permalink | 8 comments
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
The Miracle at Work
Yesterday when J.J. and I were surfing I took a picture him riding the waves, it seems he has nature on his side as well *cough*

I'll see tomorrow if there are any devices that were helping him, the analysis droid is searching for any inconsistencies at the moment *cough*
posted by General Grievous at 6:50 pm | Permalink | 5 comments
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Well as I said I'm off on holiday. After careful analysis of possible locations I decided to travel to Naboo and relax on one of the tropical islands there, after all I do have to go back to Tatooine and work with the Hutts, I may as well get as much water now as possible *cough*

J.J. also came along for a day and managed to take this picture of me learning to surf; I think I was doing quite well for a beginer, that was untill J.J. took to his board and started performing all these insane stunts, I swear he had cable attached to him *cough*
posted by General Grievous at 8:38 pm | Permalink | 5 comments
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Court Memories
Well... with the case over they have released the pictures of the case: *cough*

This was when my friends came and watched me be cross examined by the Lawyer

These pictures were sketched to show the Hutts incase I sent another droid for my community service *cough* The camera died just before this.

Well... thats all of them, I'm off on holiday before I'm due to start my community service in a week *cough*
posted by General Grievous at 10:52 am | Permalink | 4 comments
Saturday, August 06, 2005
All Rise - Part IV

It was the final day of the court case, read the transcript to see if I was guilty or innocent:

Security Personal: All rise for the Palps!

Palpatine: No, no, no, no, no! That is too informal, Palpatine is just fine. Well lets get started; we are here today to hear the verdict for the case of General Grievous versus the family of Kaht Argar. Members of the Jury what is your verdict?

Jury Announcer: We have voted over the last couple of days, a task which is not easy for a small case yet alone a case as big as thi –

Palpatine: Get on with it already, the suspense is killing me!

Jury Announcer: Ok, ok! The voting was close but we have found the Defendant NOT GUILTY on the charges of murder.

[Sighs of relief mixed with cries of outrage are heard coming from the crowd]

Jury Announcer: However in the light of the testimony of the Messenger we have found Grievous GUILTY of Improper Corpse Disposal, as well as trespassing on the Sanctioned Area on Tatooine!

Grievous: You can’t do this; this was about murder not corpse disposal regulations!

Palpatine: Order in the court! [Whack! Whack! Whack!] I hereby declare General Grievous cleared of the account of murder but sentence him to 50 hours of community service for the Hutts on Tatooine for trespass! [Whack!]

[Grievous sits there stunned as does the majority of the crowd]

Grievous: Jury Announcer, may I inquire into what votes were cast?

Jury Announcer: This is highly irregular but here’s how the voting went: Eight votes guilty; five votes not guilty; ten votes Barely Not Guilty.

Security Personal: You may now leave the court!

[Everyone slowly walks away]


Well… 50 hours of community service is that bad, even if it is with the Hutts, you never know I might just visit my friends on Survivor while I’m there.

posted by General Grievous at 3:36 pm | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Your Verdict:
Vote: Am I guilty or not? (Part III below)

8 Guilty
5 Not Guilty
10 Barely Not Guilty
posted by General Grievous at 5:52 pm | Permalink | 5 comments
All Rise - Part III

Its was the final day for the case, here’s how it went:

Security Personal: All rise for Palpatine!

Palpatine: That was much better; it was much too informal before. Well we are here today for the final statements from each party, Lawyer you can go first.

Lawyer: See these pictures [walks up to the projector and inserts a film clip of a Wookie mauling a human Jedi] this has nothing to do with the case except it shows how anything is possible even if it was previously thought improbable, therefore it is highly possible that the Defendant is gui –

[The court doors open and a very distressed looking Dooku walks in muttering under his breath]

Dooku: Good day old chaps. I’m awfully sorry, my pocket watch stopped, I have been terribly late all day.

Palpatine: It’s all right Dooku, we have only just begun.

[Dooku walks to the jury and sits down]

Jury Member: I’m not sure that you should be here sir, this is for Jury members’ onl –

Palpatine: He may sit there!

Jury Member: But your Honour, he can’t possibly be allowed to sit here, he may try to kill one of us to sway the vote in the General’s favour –

Dooku: Preposterous! How could you even think that I would commit such a vile and senseless act, I’m outraged –

Palpatine: He will sit there, now back to the case! [Whack!] Continue Lawyer.

Lawyer: Where was I… Ahh yes, the Plaintiff is most clearly guilty, if a dumb Wookie can kill a Jedi surely we can’t put is past a Jedi hunter to kill a Jedi. I rest my ca –

[The door opens and a man runs in panting heavily, he runs up to the Lawyer and whispers something]

Lawyer: Your Honour, may I question this Messenger?

Palpatine: I guess so, just hurry up I want to get out before my parking ticket expires!

[The Messenger walks up to the witness box, sits down and takes the oath:

I swear on my holy DNA scanner that I will say the truth and nothing but the truth, and if I don’t may it emit deadly radiation and mutate me into something so hideous that I am forced to hide for life!]

Lawyer: Messenger, tell the Jury what you have just told me.

Messenger: Well bro, I was delivering a parcel to, ya now, the place on the outer rim, what’s it called, -

Lawyer: Tatooine?

Messenger: Ya that’s the one, thanks bro! I found this corpse in the sand that I was crossing to deliver the parcel, it was identified as the body of [pulls out a slip of paper and reads a name] Kat Arga, Kath Argar, sorry, Kaht Argar! –

Grievous: Objection your honour! How could he know that there was a corpse in the Sanctioned Area on Tatooine! It is off limits to all but the Hutts! This witness is void!

Lawyer: General, how do you know that he was in the Sanctioned Area?

Grievous: He said it, didn’t he?

Lawyer: No he didn’t! Your Honour it seems obvious now that the defendant is guilty and should be charged accordingly. I rest my case!

Palpatine: Very well, this has changed thing quite dramatically. What do you have to say General?

Grievous: Well… I can’t deny that I didn’t place the Plaintiff’s severed body in the Sanctioned Area, but I did not kill her! She ran willingly into it! If I am found guilty you are saying that if someone extends an arm, unknowingly with a lightsaber, offering help and the said Jedi is either to run through it or be vaporised in the shield, that that person who offers help is to be convicted for helping then may the world –

Palpatine: Yes General, we get the picture, do you have anything else that you wish to say?

Grievous: No your Honour!

Palpatine: Then I adjourn this case for two days! At this time the Jury will meet and a verdict decided! [Palpatine whacks the hammer and sprints out of the room heading for his speeder park]

Messenger: Ahh… Can I go?

Jury Member: Yes you may.


Well I admit it’s not looking good, I’m going to slay another couple of droids to ease my frustration.

posted by General Grievous at 5:41 pm | Permalink | 1 comments
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
All Rise - Part II

Yesterday the case was delayed as Palpatine couldn’t be secured for a release from Survivor, but today he was able to come and so the trial proceeded as follows:


Security Personal: All rise for the Supreme Chanc –

Palpatine: Yes, we know already, now I have to get back before they notice I’m missing so let’s get this underway. Where were we, uhhh yes, we were at the conversation between the Defendant and the Plaintiff, Lawyer do you wish to continue your case?

Lawyer: No your Honour, I rest my case.

[Jury members start talking quietly to each other]

Palpatine: Silence [Whack!] O, you can all be seated by the way.

Grievous: About time!

Palpatine: What was that General?

Grievous: Nothing Master.

Palpatine: Good, Grievous I believe you are defending yourself? Well you may begin now.

Grievous: Well…. It began just over two weeks ago when I walked onto the bridge, because of my insomnia –

Palpatine: We’ve heard this before General, skip to where we left off or do we need some community service to help you along?

Lawyer: Yes do get on with this delightful story General… unless you are going to tell more li -

Palpatine: Silence… I’m warning you… community service if you mention it again, continue Grievous.

Grievous: Well as I said last time the Plaintiff had just said she wanted to be a –

Palpatine: Yes, yes, yes we know go on from after that!

Grievous: Ok, well of course I said that I was not the biomechanical person to talk to this about. Well she took this rather badly, she charged at me, kicking then snatching up lightsaber from the ground whilst at the same time igniting it. Needless to say that I quickly ignited my lightsabers [Grievous’s voice becomes increasingly enthusiastic] as she continued charging and had begun to raise her blade as if to attack from above, of course this is a typical move for when a person wants is going to attack from the side, but to be careful I position my self as to block from above and from both sides. Unfortunately she attack from beneath catching me off guard and slicin –

Palpatine: Do we really need to hear this?

Grievous: Just a bit more… anyway as I said she caught me off guard and I lost an arm, well my reflexes are made so that when this happens I instantly attack and kill the enemy. Fortunately for the Plaintiff her reflexes, aided by the force, saved her and all that happened is that she lost a hand.

Jury Member: Which hand?

Grievous: Her left hand, it was the one holding the lightsaber, anyway after amputating the hand she fell on the floor clutching the scorched stub of her arm, she then looked up at me and charged again with her remaining arm aiming for my neck, well I, being the courteous gentleman that I am [murmuring from the crowd] sidestepped this rage motivated attack. Well that’s when it all went wrong, as the fight started I had turned to cut her off from her ship and the hangar opening was directly behind me and as she charged and I sidestepped the shock rapidly appeared on her face. I quickly turned around and saw what was happening, she was charging straight for the shield protecting the hangar –

Jury Member: General, may I ask what type of shield it is?

Grievous: Certainly, it is a laser spreader [puzzled looks appear on many faces], simply put it spreads the waves emitted from the lasers over an area, it is used to instantly destroy a ship trying to enter the hangar.

Jury Member: Ok… well do continue.

Grievous: Well seeing the Plaintiff wanted to become a Sith it was preferable for her to be alive and not to die and her plunging into the shield would most certainly kill her. I did the only thing I could do; reach out an arm to prevent her from running into it. [Grievous pauses uncertainly]

Palpatine: Well continue, [Palpatine leans forward to the edge of his seat] its just starting to get interesting.

Grievous: Well that precisely where it ends, I hadn’t retracted my lightsaber blade and, needless to say, she ran right through it.

[Winces from the crowd]

Palpatine: Ok… well… that is all.

[Jury Member stands up as if to object, but thinks better of it from the look of horror on Palpatine’s face, and sits back down]


Well that was day two, a hard day for many, I’m thinking of a vacation soon, perhaps somewhere with nice long beaches?

posted by General Grievous at 5:51 pm | Permalink | 8 comments