Access Granted: Welcome General *cough* Grievous
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Preparing my Presentation

I had this great idea the other day to present to the Council: A lightsabre repair and replacement stall for the Jedi temples. I knew that Anakin went through lightsabers like Windu goes through head wax, so it made perfect sense to have a stall to sell them replacements or repair the "defective" ones that show signs of being dropped in water, lava, or acid.

So I went along to the Council Chambers and spoke with the representative of the show, a Mr Jar Jar Binks.

Me: "You again!"
Jar Jar: "Looken theren itsa the bombad General Grievous! Are yousen here for thisen new show?"
Me: "Now I don't have time to talk to you Jar Jar, I need to sign up for the show before Yoda gets back with his can opener."
Jar Jar: "Okeday thisen the form you needen to fill out, and signen yousa names here... here... and here."

I went over to the desk and started filling out the form:
Name: Grievous
Rank: General
Serial Number:...

Jar Jar: "...mesa moy moy grateful for yousen coming, itsa be-"
Me: "Jar Jar get over here and read the number on the back on my mask."
Jar: "Lessen see here..."

And so I filled out the form and was left to find the most inconspicuous route out of the temple. In a few days I'm due to propose my plans to the council, now to 'find' some impressive data.

posted by General Grievous at 3:55 pm | Permalink | 9 comments
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The Council Chambers
A new Holonet programme has just started airing and It looked quite interesting in the weekly Holo-Guide; The Council Chambers:

Now it seems the Jedi Council are having problems with their charity clause and need to give away some of their excess credits or receive more younglings to increase the amount of credits they can hold; well it's some complicated accounting matter.

They have set up a show where potential younglings present new fundraising ideas in order to begin training as a Jedi and access to some credits to help fund their project.

Now in the episode I saw the youngling who received a giant 200,000 credits put forward the idea of three bladed Lightsabre, now while this sounded interesting, when he tried to demonstrate the wow factor was lost as he lost his right leg as one blade swung around. He won though, and if it's that easy I think I might give it a go!

posted by General Grievous at 9:40 pm | Permalink | 6 comments
Monday, April 17, 2006
Easy life, kind of... (+lots of answers)
The Dojo is going well, or was going well up until a mysterious student was enrolled in the only letter posted in over 800 years. This student arrived looking like his robes were in desperate need for a wash, stains and orange crumbs everywhere, and he left a trail wherever he walked, times like these called for deception.

"Welcome to my Dojo, you must be the letter enrolled student, Yazael is it?"
"Yesh I'm O- I mean Yazle."
"Ok, well be with you in a minute, take a seat, the closest seat, and don't move until we come to get you."

The rest of the day went as usual and then came the time to close the doors:
"Yazael, you can leave now."
"You can leave now."
"You talkin to me? I'm not Yaz- oh yeah.... I come back tomorrow right? You want a cheeto?"

He left and it wasn’t until I found his lightsaber on his chair that I realised who he was, Obi Wan Kenobi, the lightsaber had a note scribbled in crayon attached to it "Mine Obi".

That must make the letter sender a certain old Jedi Master. -------------------------------------------------------
Happy Mask Saleswoman:
Well, of all the Jedi you've slaughtered, who would you say was the most tolerable?
Adi Gallia.

Oh yeah, and that question you never answered me on, how many wives did you have? Did they come and visit you when you were horribly injured? Did they buy postcards?
I was very much a career person; I didn't actually have any wives, only admirers that faded away when I was attacked.

How much would a droid body like yours cost to make?
A number with too many zero's to write down here.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator:
What do you sustain your live parts with? Do you require a special diet or anything. I'm thinking about that time when Murphy went and got Robocop some babyfood.
A don't eat to sustain myself, occasionally I go to Geonosis for a check up.

Oh, I know you were having a problem with it before, is your Wheelbike running now?
Yes it is running now, thank you for your concern.

tiny lil jawa:
grievous, tell me about ur childhood, im curious, cuz now, your a awsomely cool jedi hunting geonosian cyborg thats merciless, and i just wanna know how you were as a kaleesh warlord and as a young man. if your awsome now, you must have been awsome before!(im 99.99 percent sure of that..but i need to make sure ;) )
I will refer you to here.

Commander Cody:
Do you like killing clones?
Yes it is a most delightful sport, killing droids is somewhat more pleasant though.

Did you have any wives or children back on Kalee? And if so, how many?
As answered above, no not, really.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Younglings too much for ya?
No, not at all, but making it profitable is harder than you can imagine.

Fluke Starbucker:
Is your refridgerator running?
Why yes it, hey get back here I need that...

posted by General Grievous at 3:45 pm | Permalink | 12 comments
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Busy.... Very Busy
So, I've been very busy here at the Dojo of the Flying Super Powered, Super Painful, Super Heated, Super Cool Lightsabre Blades; or the Dojo of the Flying Blades for short.

I've been training many younglings 67 times daily and have been treated for stress, arthritis, and whiplash... those younglings don't know a thing about waving a stick around.

As I am so busy I will not be able to post for the next 1.5 - 2 weeks, but when I get back I'll tell you of some of my prodigy students.
posted by General Grievous at 4:10 pm | Permalink | 12 comments
Friday, February 24, 2006
Back on Coruscant
I was delayed a lot on my trip back to Coruscant.

Customs stopped us in and out of every system. Random patrols boarded the ship whenever they could and ate so much of the food that we had to land to take on more supplies and go through another set of custom checks.

And it was all because of one person that they were searching for; my good old friend Zin. Rumour has it that he sabotaged a Republic AT-TE to self destruct on firing the main canon. Other anti-government rumours say that he is being framed by the Chancellor himself in order to cover up a giant blunder by them. Either way I wish him good luck with his life as a fugitive.

On another note I am to start up an armed combat training school.

Now, what to teach the students....

Jango Fett:
Are you a fan of the Bounty Hunters?
As long as they aren't trying to kill me I don't mind them. So I wouldn't say I'm too much of a fan, the Trade Federation has sent too many Bounty Hunters after me for me to like them.

Jon Intergalactic Gladiator:
The wheel bike has only one wheel, isn't it prone to falling over?
It IS stabilised so that it doesn't tip over.

Happy Mask Saleswoman:
Did you still have such an attractive personality and appearance when you were all flesh and bone back on Kalee? Or were so many women attracted to you because of your money and power?
Some would say so, some wouldn't.

Can you buy postcards on Geonosis?
Yes, they're actually quite nice, apart from when your friends buy them at the hospital gift shop when they come to see you.

Do you like Shaak Ti?
It kind of seems like you don't treat her as rudely as the other Jedi. Or is that because she's a woman?
I'd quite happily kill her, where'd you get that information?

Sa'raaka Tesaar:
Do all the droids listen to you? If not, what do you do to the ones who don't?
Nearly all of them do listen to me, those that have a programming error and don't are turned into scrap on the spot.

What Jedi do you think was your best kill?
I can't really say which one. The best Jedi kill would be one where I play with them before killing them.

Do you think you could kill Obi-Wan in a fair duel?
Of course it depends what you mean by a FAIR duel...
posted by General Grievous at 8:44 pm | Permalink | 33 comments
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
From Big Brother: Naboo
From Big Brother: Naboo from Challenge 4

Jar Jar gave us the challenge and I knew exactly what to hide:

Yoda's cane!

Yoda was sleeping when I went to get his cane. Well, I was in the same room as him so getting to it wasn't the problem, the problem was getting it from him; his knobbly hand was on top of the end of the cane.

I walked quietly across the room, leaving indentations in the floor as i walked along. I was about a meter away from him and reaching out slowly to prise the cane from his hand.

"Grievous, take my stick you can not, on it my hand is."

I pulled my arm back, feeling the stiffness in the joint where the solder was starting to melt with the heat from the tension that I was putting out. Yoda looked asleep, and if the loud snores coming from him were anything to go by he was asleep.

I tried to take the cane again.

"Grievous, warned you before I did, steal my stick, you can not."

But he was asleep, he can't have been awake, those snores were way too real to be fake. I reached out and swiped the stick from his hand, it fell to the floor, making such a loud sound that it sent my kitten away it a fit of terror.

I picked the stick up and went over to one of the corners of our room and started to climb on top of a pile of items that I collected, you see, when we were renovating the I accidentally cut the camera cable to one of the camera's in the room, so they couldn't see me.

I climbed up into the cavity above the wall and shuffle as far as I could in the cavity. Once I had moved as far as I could I thrust the cane into the darkness around me and headed back. I has successfully hidden Yoda's stick.

And then I walked into the kitchen, it seems that when I threw the stick into the blackness I pushed it through a wall and right in front of one of the cameras.

View other contestants here.
posted by General Grievous at 9:42 pm | Permalink | 37 comments
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
So where's my bike
So I went to get my wheel bike back from the repair shop and they told me they were busy and it would be another two days. The next day I went back to them:

"Hey, is my bike ready yet?"
"Let's see" Yells behind him, "Is Mr Grievous's bike ready yet Hanack?"
"No, tell him to come back tomorrow."
"I'm sorry it isn't ready, come back tomorrow."

I lost my temper, I grabbed him by his collar;
"Now you listen, it has taken three times longer already, now you give it back or I'll give you to Hanack in a box."

It was wheeled out and placed before me.
"As you can see we still have a lot of work to do on it." Hanack explained. "Now can you please stop killing my brother, he's the cheapest labour I've found in 20 years!"

Looking at my bike, or what was left of it, pushed me over the edge; it was one thing for them to do nothing, but it is completely another for them to take parts from it!

Their shop was left in ruins and they hobbled away.

Now I'm on my way to Coruscant for my new assignment after my repair is repaired by "Land Vehicles Repair Shop".
If you weren't 20% alien 80% droid, would you have 4 arms? Do you like cheese or cereal better?
I wouldn't have 4 arms and I can't eat now but I used to like cheese better.

Happy Mask Saleswoman:
How many wheel bikes have you broken now?
Only 3

Are they really expensive?
No, I normally find them and commandeer them.

How come the battle droids aren't polite to you too?
Because the Trade Federation wanted to make sure that they gave me the worst living experience.

How many of your Neimoidian comrades have you killed so far?
So many I've lost count.

Can you swim?
Not in the normal sense.

Do you ever actually mirthfully laugh anymore?
Yes, but only in private though.

Where do you go for repairs?
Geonosis, the best repair place in the Galaxy *wink*

How many questions can I ask before you and everybody else with Star Wars blogs start to hate me?
Keep them coming.
posted by General Grievous at 6:17 pm | Permalink | 8 comments