General Grievous' blog

Preparing my Presentation

2006-07-06T15:55:00.000+12:00

I had this great idea the other day to present to the Council: A lightsabre repair and replacement stall for the Jedi temples. I knew that Anakin went through lightsabers like Windu goes through head wax, so it made perfect sense to have a stall to sell them replacements or repair the "defective" ones that show signs of being dropped in water, lava, or acid.

So I went along to the Council Chambers and spoke with the representative of the show, a Mr Jar Jar Binks.

Me: "You again!"
Jar Jar: "Looken theren itsa the bombad General Grievous! Are yousen here for thisen new show?"
Me: "Now I don't have time to talk to you Jar Jar, I need to sign up for the show before Yoda gets back with his can opener."
Jar Jar: "Okeday thisen the form you needen to fill out, and signen yousa names here... here... and here."

I went over to the desk and started filling out the form:
Name: Grievous
Rank: General
Serial Number:...

Jar Jar: "...mesa moy moy grateful for yousen coming, itsa be-"
Me: "Jar Jar get over here and read the number on the back on my mask."
Jar: "Lessen see here..."

And so I filled out the form and was left to find the most inconspicuous route out of the temple. In a few days I'm due to propose my plans to the council, now to 'find' some impressive data.

The Council Chambers

2006-07-04T21:40:00.000+12:00

A new Holonet programme has just started airing and It looked quite interesting in the weekly Holo-Guide; The Council Chambers:

Now it seems the Jedi Council are having problems with their charity clause and need to give away some of their excess credits or receive more younglings to increase the amount of credits they can hold; well it's some complicated accounting matter.

They have set up a show where potential younglings present new fundraising ideas in order to begin training as a Jedi and access to some credits to help fund their project.

Now in the episode I saw the youngling who received a giant 200,000 credits put forward the idea of three bladed Lightsabre, now while this sounded interesting, when he tried to demonstrate the wow factor was lost as he lost his right leg as one blade swung around. He won though, and if it's that easy I think I might give it a go!

Easy life, kind of... (+lots of answers)

2006-04-17T15:45:00.000+12:00

The Dojo is going well, or was going well up until a mysterious student was enrolled in the only letter posted in over 800 years. This student arrived looking like his robes were in desperate need for a wash, stains and orange crumbs everywhere, and he left a trail wherever he walked, times like these called for deception.

"Welcome to my Dojo, you must be the letter enrolled student, Yazael is it?"
"Yesh I'm O- I mean Yazle."
"Ok, well be with you in a minute, take a seat, the closest seat, and don't move until we come to get you."

The rest of the day went as usual and then came the time to close the doors:
"Yazael, you can leave now."
"..."
"You can leave now."
"You talkin to me? I'm not Yaz- oh yeah.... I come back tomorrow right? You want a cheeto?"

He left and it wasn’t until I found his lightsaber on his chair that I realised who he was, Obi Wan Kenobi, the lightsaber had a note scribbled in crayon attached to it "Mine Obi".

That must make the letter sender a certain old Jedi Master. -------------------------------------------------------

Happy Mask Saleswoman:
Well, of all the Jedi you've slaughtered, who would you say was the most tolerable?
Adi Gallia.

Oh yeah, and that question you never answered me on, how many wives did you have? Did they come and visit you when you were horribly injured? Did they buy postcards?
I was very much a career person; I didn't actually have any wives, only admirers that faded away when I was attacked.

How much would a droid body like yours cost to make?
A number with too many zero's to write down here.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator:
What do you sustain your live parts with? Do you require a special diet or anything. I'm thinking about that time when Murphy went and got Robocop some babyfood.
A don't eat to sustain myself, occasionally I go to Geonosis for a check up.

Oh, I know you were having a problem with it before, is your Wheelbike running now?
Yes it is running now, thank you for your concern.

tiny lil jawa:
grievous, tell me about ur childhood, im curious, cuz now, your a awsomely cool jedi hunting geonosian cyborg thats merciless, and i just wanna know how you were as a kaleesh warlord and as a young man. if your awsome now, you must have been awsome before!(im 99.99 percent sure of that..but i need to make sure ;) )
I will refer you to here.

Commander Cody:
Do you like killing clones?
Yes it is a most delightful sport, killing droids is somewhat more pleasant though.

Anonymous:
Did you have any wives or children back on Kalee? And if so, how many?
As answered above, no not, really.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Younglings too much for ya?
No, not at all, but making it profitable is harder than you can imagine.

Fluke Starbucker:
Is your refridgerator running?
Why yes it, hey get back here I need that...

Busy.... Very Busy

2006-03-29T16:10:00.000+12:00

So, I've been very busy here at the Dojo of the Flying Super Powered, Super Painful, Super Heated, Super Cool Lightsabre Blades; or the Dojo of the Flying Blades for short.

I've been training many younglings 67 times daily and have been treated for stress, arthritis, and whiplash... those younglings don't know a thing about waving a stick around.

As I am so busy I will not be able to post for the next 1.5 - 2 weeks, but when I get back I'll tell you of some of my prodigy students.

Back on Coruscant

2006-02-24T20:44:00.000+13:00

I was delayed a lot on my trip back to Coruscant.

Customs stopped us in and out of every system. Random patrols boarded the ship whenever they could and ate so much of the food that we had to land to take on more supplies and go through another set of custom checks.

And it was all because of one person that they were searching for; my good old friend Zin. Rumour has it that he sabotaged a Republic AT-TE to self destruct on firing the main canon. Other anti-government rumours say that he is being framed by the Chancellor himself in order to cover up a giant blunder by them. Either way I wish him good luck with his life as a fugitive.

On another note I am to start up an armed combat training school.

Now, what to teach the students....

------------------------
Jango Fett:
Are you a fan of the Bounty Hunters?
As long as they aren't trying to kill me I don't mind them. So I wouldn't say I'm too much of a fan, the Trade Federation has sent too many Bounty Hunters after me for me to like them.

Jon Intergalactic Gladiator:
The wheel bike has only one wheel, isn't it prone to falling over?
It IS stabilised so that it doesn't tip over.

Happy Mask Saleswoman:
Did you still have such an attractive personality and appearance when you were all flesh and bone back on Kalee? Or were so many women attracted to you because of your money and power?
Some would say so, some wouldn't.

Can you buy postcards on Geonosis?
Yes, they're actually quite nice, apart from when your friends buy them at the hospital gift shop when they come to see you.

Do you like Shaak Ti?
It kind of seems like you don't treat her as rudely as the other Jedi. Or is that because she's a woman?
I'd quite happily kill her, where'd you get that information?

Sa'raaka Tesaar:
Do all the droids listen to you? If not, what do you do to the ones who don't?
Nearly all of them do listen to me, those that have a programming error and don't are turned into scrap on the spot.

What Jedi do you think was your best kill?
I can't really say which one. The best Jedi kill would be one where I play with them before killing them.

Do you think you could kill Obi-Wan in a fair duel?
Of course it depends what you mean by a FAIR duel...

From Big Brother: Naboo

2006-02-08T21:42:00.000+13:00

From Big Brother: Naboo from Challenge 4

Jar Jar gave us the challenge and I knew exactly what to hide:

Yoda's cane!

Yoda was sleeping when I went to get his cane. Well, I was in the same room as him so getting to it wasn't the problem, the problem was getting it from him; his knobbly hand was on top of the end of the cane.

I walked quietly across the room, leaving indentations in the floor as i walked along. I was about a meter away from him and reaching out slowly to prise the cane from his hand.

"Grievous, take my stick you can not, on it my hand is."

I pulled my arm back, feeling the stiffness in the joint where the solder was starting to melt with the heat from the tension that I was putting out. Yoda looked asleep, and if the loud snores coming from him were anything to go by he was asleep.

I tried to take the cane again.

"Grievous, warned you before I did, steal my stick, you can not."

But he was asleep, he can't have been awake, those snores were way too real to be fake. I reached out and swiped the stick from his hand, it fell to the floor, making such a loud sound that it sent my kitten away it a fit of terror.

I picked the stick up and went over to one of the corners of our room and started to climb on top of a pile of items that I collected, you see, when we were renovating the I accidentally cut the camera cable to one of the camera's in the room, so they couldn't see me.

I climbed up into the cavity above the wall and shuffle as far as I could in the cavity. Once I had moved as far as I could I thrust the cane into the darkness around me and headed back. I has successfully hidden Yoda's stick.

And then I walked into the kitchen, it seems that when I threw the stick into the blackness I pushed it through a wall and right in front of one of the cameras.

View other contestants here.

So where's my bike

2006-02-01T18:17:00.000+13:00

So I went to get my wheel bike back from the repair shop and they told me they were busy and it would be another two days. The next day I went back to them:

"Hey, is my bike ready yet?"
"Let's see" Yells behind him, "Is Mr Grievous's bike ready yet Hanack?"
"No, tell him to come back tomorrow."
"I'm sorry it isn't ready, come back tomorrow."

I lost my temper, I grabbed him by his collar;
"Now you listen, it has taken three times longer already, now you give it back or I'll give you to Hanack in a box."
"ARGHH, HANACK - GIVE - GRIEVOUS - HIS - BIKE - NOW"

It was wheeled out and placed before me.
"As you can see we still have a lot of work to do on it." Hanack explained. "Now can you please stop killing my brother, he's the cheapest labour I've found in 20 years!"

Looking at my bike, or what was left of it, pushed me over the edge; it was one thing for them to do nothing, but it is completely another for them to take parts from it!

Their shop was left in ruins and they hobbled away.

Now I'm on my way to Coruscant for my new assignment after my repair is repaired by "Land Vehicles Repair Shop".

-----------------------------------------------

Revan:
If you weren't 20% alien 80% droid, would you have 4 arms? Do you like cheese or cereal better?
I wouldn't have 4 arms and I can't eat now but I used to like cheese better.

Happy Mask Saleswoman:
How many wheel bikes have you broken now?
Only 3

Are they really expensive?
No, I normally find them and commandeer them.

How come the battle droids aren't polite to you too?
Because the Trade Federation wanted to make sure that they gave me the worst living experience.

How many of your Neimoidian comrades have you killed so far?
So many I've lost count.

Can you swim?
Not in the normal sense.

Do you ever actually mirthfully laugh anymore?
Yes, but only in private though.

Where do you go for repairs?
Geonosis, the best repair place in the Galaxy *wink*

How many questions can I ask before you and everybody else with Star Wars blogs start to hate me?
Keep them coming.

Zipping about on my way to promotion

2006-01-22T18:01:00.000+13:00

My wheel bike arrived a few days ago, and since then I've been busy catching criminals all over the planet... well, the part of the planet which I've been assigned to.

Now, I've had a few problems with my bike: failure to start first time, slower than normal speeds, grip loss on medium density surfaces... and I think it is time that I take it in for repairs.

Yesterday, I went to the repair shop to see what was wrong and how much it would cost to get it repaired.

"Hi, I'm Grievous, and I'd like to book my wheel bike for a service."
"Hi, I'm Mike, and I'm sorry to inform you that this is a Garage for flying vehicles only, no land vehicles will be serviced here."
"So do you know where I could go?"
"Now that'd be against my contract, I'm not allowed to promote any other businesses."
"Now, you will tell me or I'll make sure you don't see this place tomorrow."
"Ok, bring your bike round the back, tell Hanack that I told you to go there, he'll fix your bike for you."
"Thanks."

The bike is still being repaired; they say it'll be done tomorrow.

-----------------------------------------------

Lt. Cmdr Oneida :
'I hunt down and kill the Jedi because they and the Republic nearly killed me.'
Uh-oh, I hear present tense here, so you haven't really retired, have you! Aren't you supposed to work with the Jedi as a cop?
Well, I that has taken a back seat while they are my superiors.

Jawa Juice:
Is it true that putting a restraining bolt on you will make you celibate?
I don't think I'll answer that.

Anonymous:
Do you know any other droids, and if so how well do you know them?
I know plenty of droids, however most of them have no personality, only my Magna droids are friendly and I think that is only because they are programmed to be polite to me.

Suubatars/More Answers

2006-01-16T08:32:00.000+13:00

According to the locals here it is customary to ride a Suubatar, a tall fast beast, to get around fast. I loath beasts, they're just too hard to control, and my body isn't made for sitting astride them. But even with my arguing my superior still sent me on a Suubatar riding course in the hope that we can catch more criminals if we're faster.

Needless to say, it was a total disaster; I fell off every 100 meters and then was dragged along until the beast finally stopped when I punched it in the side. When I got back feeling like I was in pieces, my superior was there waiting for me.

"Hey Ray, what do you want this time?"
"Grievous, I've heard about today, how do you think we're going to beat the crime here if our beast officer can't keep up with them?"
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't ride those things, now if you are willing to wait, I'll import my wheel bike."
"Ok, you have one chance to prove you’re worth having on the force, don't disappoint me."
"Yes sir."
"And Grievous, in future don't bring kids on patrols with you."

My wheel bike will arrive in 3 days, until then I've been relieved of duty.
-----------------------------------------------

Lt. Cmdr Oneida:
Do you have any other clothes, maybe like a leather jacket or a duster? Those can be pretty snazzy.
No, I have no clothes although sometimes I wear them, but only because I'm made too.

Jango Fett:
How come you hunt down Jedi and kill them? Do you like the Mandalorians?
I hunt down and kill the Jedi because they and the Republic nearly killed me. If we have the same goals, I don't see why I can't like the Mandalorians.

Continue asking questions if you'd like.

Answers from the bot

2006-01-14T14:00:00.000+13:00

So here are the answers to the questions that you asked:

Lt Cmdr Oneida:
What did you look like before all the attachments?
Well, us Kaleesh have reddish orange scales to protect us from the heat, although our claws are normally the only part that extrudes from our clothes. In terms of shape, we're a lot like humans.
Do you ever get an itch in a place you can't reach?
Simply, no, I can't fell all that much, however instead of itches a cable may get caught and orevent me from using a limb.
Does your cape keep you warm?
No, I don't feel temperature, and as such I only where the cape because it looks cool.

Jabafatboy:
Did you ever get rid of that acne problem you had in high school? ( little spots of oil all over his metal head)
As a boy I never had acne, much less spots on my metal head because my head wasn't metal at the time.

redheadwithbedhead:
What’s your favorite color?
I'd have to go with silver, the colour of many lightsabers.
If your lightsabers that you have ever died on you, what would you do?
Probably just get another one out, or continue fighting with only three.

Vegeta:
Do you have an organic Brain/ and if so do you get brain freeze from eating Ice cream to fast.
Yes, I have an organic brain, but I can't eat, so I don't get brain freeze.

JonIntergalacticGladiator:
I understand that your war droids respond to a series of codes to attack, defend, or even shut down. Can you give me an example of some valid codes, especially the shut down one?
Now that would be telling a trade secret, wouldn't it.

Private Hudson:
Have you ever heard of a cough drop?
Yes I have, as well as having one stuffed down my throat by Fluke.

There you have it, the answers to your questions.

Taking a trip into the deep grass - Part Two

2006-01-13T21:17:00.000+13:00

... continued from here

... He drew his blaster and fired.

And was nearly killed by the same bolt as a lightsaber deflected it back at him, but it wasn't my lightsaber, in fact he didn't even fire at me, it was Mael who he shot at and Mael who deflected the bolt at him. You see, he hadn't quite made his way round behind them and popped up to take a look at what was happening, this is when the leader fired, and owing to his excellent, if somewhat unfinished training, the leader nearly made a fatal mistake.

That notion that the kid was more powerful than them got them rattled, then turned tail and ran. They were so blinded by the sight of a 6 limbed kid wielding a lightsaber that they ran into another stall before making their way round to the fields on the edge of the city.

"Hop on my back Mael, we have to run fast to catch them!"

And we were off, being taller than the grass, that was barely taller than them, and having another person on top of me made it easy to know where they went and they were followed with ease.

After a 30 minute run we reached what appeared to be their campsite.
"Come in Chief, this is officer 568, over." I said into my radio.
"This is Ray, what's your status, over?"
"I've tracked down the thieves to co-ordinates 2548,0456, over."
"Roger that, dispatching all available men to your location, over and out"

I took the first person 15 more minutes to show up in the bush behind me, and it was then that we laid out our plans.

Their camp was surrounded by a thick cluster of trees, in a rough "L" shape. I approached from the short end flanked by 2 officers; Mael was hiding in the grass.
"Come out with your hands up, we have you surrounded!"
A few bolts were fired from among the trees.
"Drop your weapons and you will not be harmed!"
"Can't you take a hint tin can, we're not giving up!"
"Ok, move in boys, take them with force!"

Within 5 minutes the tied and gagged bodies of 5 people were dragged out and into a newly arrived police transport.
"Congratulations Officer, now get back to your patrol!"

Taking a trip into the deep grass - Part One

2006-01-12T20:41:00.000+13:00

We arrived on the planet with only a minor problem, an explosive mine was detected on the landing platform so we had to wait while a droid was sent to activate the mine. Other than that I was in my apartment and settled in within a couple of hours, and it was here that I found another rule applying to the apartment.

No minor is to be left alone in an apartment under any circumstances.

Now this is a problem, he can't stay home, so he has to go with me, he goes with me and is caught in a dangerous situation then he is taken away by Social Services, and so the courts make some money. Unfortunately for Mael I don't yet have the money to pay a day care centre to look after him (even if I did, I'd need to find one that isn't associated with one of the crime rings).

So along he came on my first patrol of the markets. Anison has a huge Market spanning several blocks selling some of the best natural clothing in the latest fashions, much of which is either exported cheaply or stolen. So we walked around the stalls, listening for thieves or any disturbance of the peace, and found nothing, in fact it wasn't until half way through the second patrol that we heard anything, and then it was only a native feline climbing through an antique vase stall.

It was around dawn when the thieves struck, Mael came up to me to report the noise he had heard coming from a stall in the next block.
"Ok, Mael, go and hide behind them, I'll come from the front and we'll trap them."
"Yes master."
And with this he scuttled of on all six limbs around the noise that was getting even louder.

To give the thieves credit, they did their research thoroughly, they knew exactly what they wanted, and they wanted the alcohol from "Tipsy Gypsy’s Drinks and more Drinks" stall. I walked up to them:
"Hey you there stop in the name of the law, you are under arrest!"
"Whohohoho, what have we here boys, a run down old droid who thinks he's an officer!"
"Yeah boss, a run down old droid!"
"Yes, I just said that didn't I Now where were we, ahh yes, you droid leave no if you want to leave in one piece."
"I'm afraid that is not possible, for I am a police officer, and you are under arrest, try and escape and I will be forcer to kill you!"
"You have left me no choice droid."

He drew his blaster and fired.

To be continued tomorrow...

A hard decision

2006-01-10T21:14:00.000+13:00

So, we were on our way to Anison, luggage packed and ready to leave Coruscant when a flight attendant came over and addressed Mael:

"Young sir, you are not allowed to have your Droid on board, kindly ask him to follow me to the cargo hold."
"Excuse me Miss, I am not merely a Droid, I am an officer, and as such I am entitled to sit here."
"So you are willing to pay for two seats?"
"Well, no, these seats are free."
"As I see it there are passes for a Grievous and two Droids."
"What! But the apartment is for an organic being and two droids!"
"And your pass is for you and two droids!"
"But I've brought only one droid; can't I bring Mael in place of the other Droid?"
"I'm sorry but that is not possible, unless one of you is willing to travel in the cargo hold."
I took a look around and saw many of my co-workers looking at me, wondering what I'd do. I sighed.
"Where's the cargo hold?"
"Right this way sir."
"Come on Mael, let's go."

So he travelled in the cargo hold, meditating, while I sat outside the door, waiting for my complimentary dinner to arrive.

Moving to Anison

2006-01-09T18:36:00.000+13:00

Well they say that the life of a policeman is rough, well that statement just about covers it. If you're ever in the lower levels of Coruscant do NOT wear an officer's badge. It will lead to unnecessary violence, and if you are an exceptionally able officer a few dents and a bundle of arrests for charges of assault.

And it because of this that I am moving to Anison, it looks like crime is up and the law is having a hard time coping with it so they requested help from Coruscant, so a few ship loads of us are going to be shipped over to Anison.

For this we get special living quarters among other things, this posed me one problem;

All apartments can be occupied by one organic being and up to two droids.

My problem is that in my contract I was specified as "droid" and so I had the remaining slots of one droid and one organic being to fill. Now the other rule is that:

A droid can not live in an apartment without an organic being, this is not a storage shed.

So I was left with the problem of finding a suitable organic life form. Well first there is the obvious choice of Dooku, but for equally obvious reasons I can not live with him. To get over this dilemma I posted an Ad on the local Holo-net channel.

Not only did this leave me with a flood of calls, but also with a large cancellation fee as I remembered the perfect, well almost perfect, organic being, the Quermian; Mael.

So know we are off to Anison to lower the crime rate, me, Mael, and one of my IG-100 droids.

Questions for the bot

2006-01-07T19:42:00.000+13:00

I just got back from the final interview for my policing career, and it got me thinking, what don't you know about me?

So for the next week, I want you to email me questions, or leave them in the comments asking anything about me, and I will do my best to answer them.

If you want to do this too just tell me and I'll link to you here.

Major qustion for the Major: Major Rage
Town Hall Meeting: Darth Sidious

Working on the right side of the law

2006-01-02T20:07:00.000+13:00

So according to the fine print of the deal I signed for residency I have to contribute something to society. I overlooked this when signing thinking that a couple of donations to the local shelter would suffice, but no, I need to actively give something to the community.

So it was for this reason that I walked into the local career office and headed towards the community involvement area.

"So, Grievous, you want to pursue a career that benefits the community?"
"Yes, I do."
"What previous work experience do you have?"
"Well, I was the General for the Separatist’s army but was recently ummm..... dismissed."
"Well, let's see what jobs we have here, obviously we have nothing as grand as General, but I'm sure we can find something.... Ahhh what about this, would you like to be a fire fighter?"
"No."
"Ambulance driver?"
"No."
"Nurse?"
"Attack dog?"
"What?"
"Uhhh never mind... this would suit you, would you like to be a Police officer? It requires one of excellent physical and mental condition with a desire to uphold justice with the benefit of donuts at the station, so what do you say?"
"Is that all?"
"Uhhh, yes it is."
"Well I guess I’ll have to take it."

Unemployment on Coruscant

2005-12-24T15:53:00.000+13:00

Seeing as I no longer have a job (I am paid per gig by Noel), and many people do not want to hire an ex convict, I have applied for Coruscant's unemployment plan the boasts a lower level apartment and a plentiful income. The only downside is that it is only for Coruscant residents.

So I had this problem that was easier to solve than first expected. I went for a walk down to the nearest immigration office and filed an application for residency, and the form to say I am an intelligible life form. About 5 minutes after I got back to my ship I received a call from the immigration office.
"Hello Grievous, this is Ton Rak of the Coruscant Immigration Department. I am calling to congratulate you on your successful application for residency; you have been selected to become an instant resident should you remain on Coruscant for the next week. This is in accordance of Sector 11B of the Planet Immigration Act."

So 2 days until I'm a resident and about a week after till I get my apartment.

Adjusting to a new life

2005-12-19T17:36:00.000+13:00

With my new found time I have decided to explore the activities of ordinary people, the other day I decided to go to the movies to catch the first instalment of “The Chronicles of Naboo: The Gungan, the Droid and the Air Vent" on the big screen.

So, I arrived at the theatre and approached the counter:
"Hello, I'd like a ticket to The Gungan, the Droid and the Air Vent."
"Ok, that'll be 20 Credits."
"What? It costs to see these things?"
"I'm afraid it does."
"But I don't have any money."
"Well then you can't see the movie."
"But I want to see it."
"Then you'll need to find the money for the ticket."

So I went and place my lightsaber holster down on the ground in front of me and began twirling the lightsabers around. Within minutes I had accumulated enough money to buy a ticket - whether this was from the spectacular show or the fear of being hit, I don't know.

Once inside I joined the cue to enter the theatre, however as I joined it people started to leave after peering over their shoulder to see what the murmur was about. Eventually I was the only person in the line, and as such, the only person in the theatre.

Why this happened, I have no idea, but it made for a good movie experience in an otherwise decent movie - a bit to much life in it for my liking.

Relieved of Duty

2005-12-14T18:21:00.000+13:00

The meeting went badly, very badly. I arrived at Sidious's vacation home with a hamper of his favourite foods and drinks, which he promptly took from me and locked in a cupboard leaving me wondering why he was acting strangely.

We went into his office and sat down; strangely there were no servants insight.
"Well General, as I said before I am no pleased with your retreat."
"Ye Sir, but it looked like the best thing to do. We were being murdered on the ground and were barely able to hold the skies. I didn't want to lose any more droids."
"That is the problem, droids can be replaced, reputation can't and neither can those clones."
Then there was silence and after a few minutes went passed I broke it.
"What is your reason for calling me here Sir, you've been acting strangely ever since I arrived?"
"Well, it is because I have a grave announcement to, well... announce. It is with deep regret that I am to relieve you of your duties. The title and position of General will now fall upon Count Dooku."
"WHAT! You can't do this, I have a contract! You can't fire me!"
"Grievous, your contract expired yesterday."
"Did it?"
"Yes."
"Well that’s beside the point. How can you think Dooku is better than me?"
"Well it was his idea to attack and he wanted to keep attacking."

Well that was it; I went to pick up my hamper and remembered that he had locked it away, now I know why. Instead I ignited my lightsabers and tore the walls apart as I stormed from his house and went back to the Invisible Hand - which I would keep even if he wanted it back. Now I can get on with doing all the things I've wanted to do.

Defeated by an Army Led by a Drunk

2005-12-11T17:12:00.000+13:00

We withdrew from Kamino this morning after days of heavy battle in some major cities on the planet. Our plan was very risky, we deployed the vast majority of our droids and hoped that they would defeat the clones; but there were so many clones, where did they come from? That Rage has something to answer for next time see him.

After fleeing Kamino and ordering the other ships to return to Geonosis I received a transmission from Master Sidious.

"I assured you victory General, why did you run?"
"With all due respect sir, you must have seen wrong, we were utterly defeated."
"I did not see wrong, I am never wrong."
"Well, this time you must have been."
"Meet me at my vacation home on Mustafar tomorrow, General..."

With that the transmission ended, I just hope he doesn't hold be completely responsible for this... it was Dooku's idea in the first place.

The Never Ending Party

2005-12-06T17:14:00.000+13:00

Latter in the day after sleeping off the drink and gaining some form of conciousness I went back to the club with my security droids to see the damage from the night before. As I expected the place was a mess. Upturned table, chairs missing legs, the microphone stand in four pieces, and the floor littered with various cans and glasses.

So the cleaning up began reminding me very much of my time on Tatooine with the Hutts. It was unpleasant but eventually the work was done and the club could open for another night of complete and utter chaos.

Thats how I thought it would be, untill a few people came in and gradually built up to a steady number, but not enough for complete chaos, that was good, earnings wouldn't suffer that much as repairs wouldn't be needed.

The party lasted late with Noel coming in after Jomb and then singing me and Rage into oblivion.

Party at Sky City

2005-12-03T11:17:00.000+13:00

Noel, my second employer held a huge opening party for her resort ship, Sky City. Of course I was there in DJ and friend capacity. Unfortunately I'm too drunk at the moment to say much, I'll post back latter, all I can say is that Rage featured in a small brawl over Karaoke.

_______________________________________

The party started with a short speech followed by a night of complete luxury, I was at my position at the turntables before the doors opened, and when they opened the opened and were constantly opening a closing as people came and went.

At about 3 the next morning, and after too many shots of whisky, I walked over to a table near the karaoke machine, where Major Rage and two of his squad were singing their horrid drinking songs and seeing if they could break the reinforced steel table they were sitting at, with their fists.

I grabbed the mic from the Major's hand and started singing a rock rendition of "Killing Jedi."

After the first verse the clones stopped hitting the table and turned to face me, soon after Rage walked up to me and told me to turn the noise down:

"Hey General, turn the noise down buddy, I'm gonna go deaf if you don't."
"Hey Major, this is a club, if you can't handle the jandal, run from it or sumthin."
"Yeah don't insult my friends; I can sing better than you any day, here I'll prove it."

He grabbed the mic and brought up the words to "100 bottles of McDooku's brew" and started singing.

"Hey Major, you call that a song, you can't sing, here take my card, I’ll give you a half price life insurance policy against being killed for bad singing."
"Cheers mate."

At about 5 I retired to my onboard room that Noel gave me to accommodate me when I'm working. Another two days of partying to go before I get back to Kamino.

The New Youngling

2005-11-29T08:30:00.000+13:00

Having failed in training my last youngling, Master Sidious has given me another one to train. This one is a Quermian, like Yareal Poof, he has four arms and two brains. First up I think I’ll teach him how to wield a lightsaber and then progress to multiple lightsabers, after this he should be ready to fight me in practise spars. Here’s the information card that came with the kid:

Name: You decide
Age: 7

This kid has lived a rough life since his family abandoned him on a refugee transport from Quermia, he was found at the age of 5 trying to take a lightsaber from a Jedi guard. He was tested for midi-chlorians but did not reach the required amount for a Jedi, so he was sent to us at the FSYA.

[Your comment goes here after two weeks of training]

Well, I’ve decided to call him Mael, and should he be a good student then his comment will go along the lines of “He is a pleasure to teach and picks up new material well.” Should he be terrible: “He is easily distracted and needs to pay more attention to the subject at hand.”

The Youngling Found

2005-11-26T19:11:00.000+13:00

If you remember, a while ago Master Sidious gave me an order to train a youngling in the way of the lightsabre. However, I was busy and had no time for him; in fact, I had so little time for him that I locked him in his room to stop him following me. Time wore on and I forgot about him, until today. Just before lunch my ship was hailed by a civilian ship requesting to land to discuss child cruelty.

"This is civilian ship Z0245-A requesting landing clearance and immediate cease to shield generation."
"This is General Grievous, what business brings you to the Invisible hand?"
"We wish to see the youngling under your tutorage General."
"You meant the FSYA student I locked in a room and is probably dead..."
"Pardon, I didn't catch that last part."
"Ahh nothing, come onboard"

I turned to my droids:
"Go to the guest room on the fourth level, five doors along, and get the kid in there."
"Yes sir."

The ambassadors came onboard and met me in the reception lounge.
"Greetings General Grievous, I'm Jake Napda, and this is my colleague Jake Foop. We would like to see the youngling placed in your care some time ago."
"You may, I've sent one of my droids to go fetch him as we speak. Would you like something to drink?"
"Yes please."

I walked off to the bar and pulled out a couple of bottles of spirits and poured them into a couple of glasses, if that didn't put them in a good mood, nothing would. While doing this, a droid came in carrying a skeleton with a few remaining clothes attached.
"Here's the boy, General Grievous."
"That's not him, he was alive last time I saw him.... You did feed him everyday didn't you?"
"I had no such orders."
"Ok, don't mention this to the ambassadors."

I went back to the ambassadors:
"Here you go." [While giving them the drinks]
"So where is the boy, it's been a while since you sent for him?"
"He's probably exploring the ship's air vents or something, you know young kids."

Just at this moment the droid walked into the room carrying the skeleton and brandishing a FSYA t-shirt.
"Sir, do you want me to dispose of the kid and his possessions?"

I quickly turned around and said the only thing I could think of:
"You did not see this, the kid is alright, you will not return!" [While waving my hand in an imitation of the Sith and Jedi]
"We didn't see this, we have to go now, our next appointment is in two days. Good morning General."

Well that was a close one; I hope Master Sidious doesn't hear about it.

Flashback: Becoming a Warrior

2005-11-23T21:22:00.000+13:00

"The deserts of Kalee are ideal for hunting; they hide the mumuu and karabbac. Remember this and you will do well."

My father told me this on our first hunting trip, we were hunting mumuu, the thrill of the hunt was on, running across the sand, sun pounding down on our clothes, and the mumuu getting ever closer. I was lagging behind, I was seven years of age and slightly shorter than my father, they were ten meters in front of me. We were with my older brother and my father's friend.

We came to a halt beneath the overhang of a cliff, the mumuu were just around the corner, we drew our weapons and waited. When one started to move apart we moved around them, this was the one we were going to kill.

We knew that once we shot we would have a few moments to scare the others before they would charge at us, we moved close to the singled out mumuu.

The firing started, the targeted mumuu went down without a fight, another one had a heart attack from the surprise and dropped dead as well, the others charged at us the veered away as they feared for their lives.

We returned to our house, and started to carve up our prizes. Latter that night I was presented with my first mumuu mask.

Extra Extra - Part One

2005-11-21T19:30:00.000+13:00

[We interrupt this blog to report on the latest crisis on Kamino]

"Welcome to Channel 5478 News. I am your host, Rod Hide. This special broadcast has been made to inform you of a recent event in the siege of Kamino. Now to John."

"Hi this is your local War reporter, John Nantas, reporting from Tipoca city here on Kamino. Recent events have caused this once unknown planet, to be so important that the CIS have thought it important to blockade the planet, even more thoroughly than the Trade Federation blockade above Naboo. We managed to visit the three main powers in this conflict earlier today.

[Scene switches to the cargo bay of a huge ship, a loud constant roar of ships taking off can be heard in the background.]

"General Grievous, why are you blockading Kamino?"
"No comment."
"Is it true that you were seen meeting Major Rage two days ago?"
"No comment."
"How are you planning on winning this battle?"
"Ok, this is getting ridiculous; do you really think I'm going to tell you that?"
"Umm...... yes...."
"Well you're wrong, don't you think you've wasted enough time questioning me, I told you before that I'm not going to answer."

Conintued on Major Rage's blog.

Show Down at High Noon

2005-11-19T07:35:00.000+13:00

Last night while I was scanning the battlefield for possible strategies I received a broadcast.

"General Grievous, answer if you can hear this...."
I was being cautious; I decided to wait a bit.
"General Grievous, pick up the receiver, I know you're there, I can see that the light's on."
I went over and turned the light off.
"General Grievous, just answer, I wish to discuss possible peace treaties."
This one is persistent, a lot better than the previous ones.

"General Grievous speaking *cough*"
"This is Major Rage of the Republic Army; I wish to discuss the withdrawal of the CIS from Kamino."
"Go on..."
"Meet me at the deserted outpost alone at noon." [He sent me some coordinates]

At 11:59 I landed on the outpost and approached the Clone Trooper standing there.
"Major Rage?"
"Thank you for coming, General Grievous. I hope you don't mind but for added security I have brought be Squad member Sparky and Target."
He waved and from behind various object two more Clone Troopers appeared. I drew my lightsabers cautiously.
"You can put those away, General, we are unarmed."
"Then why do you have a blaster pistol in your holster?"
"For protection. now on to business. We want you to leave this planet, and we want you to leave now."
"What will you give me?"
"Absolutely nothing, except a free and untracked escape."
"Well isn't that a nice little deal for you, I leave, you win, and you don't lose anything."
"Then I'm afraid if will come down to force, and you will lose, us Clones are far superior to your Droids!"

Then it got heated. My lightsabers were lit, their blaster pistols were drawn, and all hell broke lose. Three on one is not normally fair, but it wasn't like that today, they quickly started backing up towards their ship.

When they reached the ship it was my turn to back up, and fast. The one called Target brought up a Sniper rifle and Sparky a Thermal Detonator. There was no way they could miss, even so I ran. The Detonator was thrown first, It threw me forwards, and it must have been this that saved me because the Sniper's blast went through my shoulder.

I reached my ship and high tailed it out of there, the doctor says it'll be a couple of days before I can go out there. That Major Rage will pay for what he has done!

You Can't Stop Me now!

2005-11-18T07:00:00.000+13:00

We have finally managed to land on one of the larger cities here on Kamino. Usually each side disembarks with blasters firing and lightsabers spinning, however, this time none of the happened, I'm not entirely sure why. It might have been the fact that they were stunned by Dooku walking up to them with a cup of tea in hand and asking if they would like any, or they drank the tea and were feeling the side effects.

At any rate we were in a face off, no one moving, no one spinning lightsabers, firing blasters, throwing thermal detonators, nothing at all, only a murmur of talk was going on.

"You can't beat us! We have you out numbered two to one; surrender now and you can jump into the sea and drown peacefully, being torn apart by the native animals!"

Then Dooku had to come and spoil the deadlock because he couldn't get the top of the pepper container. Well, you guessed it, he got the top of while holding it in front of me, I sneezed and the suddenly we were in a quick burst of Republic fire.

A quickly as it started, it was over, and half my droids were gone.
That particular battle didn't go that well, we were forced to retreat. But once some more of our droids arrive they will taste the heat of their own blasters.

"I promise you, victory is assured"

2005-11-15T18:06:00.000+13:00

All is not going as planned; the Republic has masses of troops on the ground and more arriving every second. We have landed in a few of the smaller cities to establish ourselves on the planet.

I don't see how Palpatine sees that all these ships arriving is going to help us win, I mean look at them!! There's so many of them.

It also doesn't help having Dooku telling me what to do:
"Stab them from behind Old Fella, then move your Knight there and move the Queen in to mop the rest up."
"Dooku this isn't a game of Chess!"
"Isn't it this map looks chequered to me."
"That's because you're looking at the Chess board, the map is beside you."
"So it is...."

What is actually going to happen, time will tell. Until then I'm quite content to just sit here and wait for the Jedi to arrive.

The Council of Thirteen

2005-11-12T18:50:00.000+13:00

In the forming of the Army to face the Republic we created a Council of Thirteen. These Thirteen were meant to organize the Army and follow under my command. Unfortunately they have not done a good job and many are being replaced when more suitable replacements are found. The members are:

Zin: The bounty hunter I found on Coruscant. Resourceful, energetic, determined, and like pizza.
Atmo Larc: A skilled close combat warrior, he wields 2 heavy masses with reflective qualities.
Stec Marto: The technician on the Council, he's constantly fixing the projector when I slice it in two.
Frentac Smenta: Skilled with explosives. His motto is: "There's nothing too big to destroy. So don't get in my way!"
Terscanee Awze: A mercenary skilled in the art of spying, friends with Frentac.
Arthac Naught: Account on the Council. Responsible purely for the deficit lately - it wasn't me I promise!
Count Dooku: Recently added to the council to replace a Bantha that was slain when they started to eat my notes.
Hatred: A hateful old Bantha - long, messy hair.
Killer: A deadly Bantha - short, neatly groomed hair.
Fury: A young Bantha that is not easily pleased - tangled mess of greasy hair.
Death: A very old bantha - grey hair and the slowest of all the Banthas.
Grave: A determined young Bantha that it likely to get himself killed - small with moderate length hair.
Angry: A spiteful Bantha of moderate age who insists on having ribbons in their hair - wears ribbons in a coat of long shiny hair.

The last six are merely place holders, however, they do get a say in the running of the Army when I’m not around - they are made to stand in a pen of their choice, where they are is what they vote for (only for Yes/No decisions).

It was this council that decided to go to war with Count Dooku luring the Banthas into a pen with the promise of a day with Yoda. They went in and it was a 7-6 vote with the Banthas and Dooku winning. So now I'm on my way to Kamino to try and keep as many droids as possible alive.

Guess who's back...

2005-11-10T20:55:00.000+13:00

Yes, I'm back! Back and I'm not sure if it's for the better, things around here are deteriorating fast:

the Council of 13 have sent us into war on Kamino
my droids haven't cleaned the ship up in weeks
the droids have shut themselves down and are refusing to come back online

On the plus side, I have received get well cards from many people; it was a terrible ordeal but quite fun when looking back:

Yoda

This Little Green Monkey doesn't have the best body for inhabiting, it so short and... well... it's so.... green! (Has the very nice power of the Force Wedgies)

Mace Windu

His head is so shiny he can see his own reflection in it, and the amount of skincare products he has... don't even get me started on that... (They're hidden under his bed).

Jawa Juice
Well I have to hand it to him... he has a lot to think about and do, but he sure does get it done.

Palpatine
He's awake at the best of times and oblivious to what people are saying all the time!

Dooku
Nothing to say really, just don't drink his tea unless you really want a wake up call, very persuasive.

Qui-Gon
Really need to keep in contact with his parents more often - other than that; he has a nice apartment.

Anakin
Just not born for a job - one of those Unemployable people, quite lucky he's a Jedi.

Jar Jar
Clumsy - no other word is a better description of him, he's just plain clumsy. His tongue is rather useful though.

Well... If I was meant to learn a lesson from this, I haven't - except

Don't go to a shrink who tells you to take a drink from a phial
Don't take directions or brochures from people in the street
Always take notice of what others are saying and respond accordingly
Watch where you are going and think about what you are doing!

On a side note a few days ago, while I was myself at night, I had a dream.

I this dream a Werewolf was standing over me at the local gas station. He was dripping oil and I was in pieces - I have yet to discover the meaning of this if indeed there is one.

How wude!

2005-11-08T18:43:00.000+13:00

Mesa woken upsa thissen mornen to der most throbben headache mesa had since dat Trade Federation ivaden mesa home. Mesa was in moy moy pain, so muchsa that mesa had to see der Doctor.

Mesa wassen on mesa way, minden mesa business, when a strange human came on walken up to mesa.
"Whosa are yousa?"
"Would you like to receive cheap healthcare with no compromises on quality?"
"Yesa, mesa would, I was on mesa way to one now."
"Yes, I know."
"How do yousa know that mesa goen to der doctors?"
"With a face like that I would be seeing a surgeon!"
"Whatsa are yousa talking about....."

Hesa ran away! He left mesa a brochure for der cheap healthcare. mesa needen cheap everything, so mesa goen along to thisen place labelled "VET" on der map attached, itsa haven the most cheap services.

When mesa arriven at der "VET" mesa was told dat theysa only serven pets. Mesa was told that mesa should go to thissen "mental doctor" down the road.

Thissen "mental doctor" was waiten in hersa office, and apparently expecten mesa!

"I thought I'd see you soon, General Grievous."
"Mesa no General Grievous, hesa a bad bad uhhhhh..... man droid thingy!"
"I assure you, you are him!"

Shesa thensa taken outsa a mirror and showen mesa face.

"Get itsa offa mesa! Nowsa!!!!"
"I can turn you back permanently General Grievous, you just need to drink this."
Shesa then holden a phile, thissen phile had a purplish liquid in itsa.
"So all mesa needen to do is drinken thatsa there phile?"
"That’s it, now have you learned the errors of your ways?"
Mesa diven at hersa to get der phile, shesa wassen expecten thissen move, mesa had the phile in mesa hands, mesa droppen der phile. Itsa shattered on der floor; quickly mesa tongue was out an licken der floor spotless.

Arghhh mesa tongue!!! Der glass shards were moy moy sharp. Mesa wassen runnen outsa thissen building and finden der hospital.

Da 1's First Job

2005-11-06T15:56:00.000+13:00

S'up dawgs.

Like, Y-dawg kicked me out of the Jedi chambers yesterday claiming I needed to pull my weight around the place. I like retaliated with "why ain't you making Obs get a job, he can barely get up?" and spit, but he wasn't givin in.

I looked and found the perfect job: I was going to be a bouncer and this ragin club, I mean, how hard can it be. Well the guy liked my references of being a Jedi, that and my threat to do what I did to the Sand vermin back home; so I told him "your people call my people and you can give me the job."

After like only a few steps out of the place I get a call saying I have the Job, and when can I start. So I get back and get in my meanest get up and yell a quick comment to Y-dawg.
"Hey Master Y'se, I’m off to my job."
"Actually hire you, someone did?"
"Yea, I’m bein a bouncer."
As I left that guy was making a sound like a cat with a hairball.

So, I arrive at my job where they take a picture of me for my ID.

So I like, stood around till early morning the next day when my Boss came out and said I was fired.

"You can't to this me, I’m the One. You can't fire the One!"
"You stood round drinking last night!"
"So, it's a night club? That what you're meant to do."
"Not when you're working, and especially when you charge it the work account."
"But I should be able to"
"Why?"
"Cause I'm the One."

He kicked me out! He banned me from the best Club on the planet. What’s Pads going to say when she hears about this...

Woa - Far Out Man

2005-11-04T21:23:00.000+13:00

"Good morning, Qui."
"Mornin..." *yawns*
"Say, aren't your parents coming over for lunch?"
"What?"
"Isn't today the day your parents are coming for lunch?"
"OH HELP ME!!!"

My parents are very old, they were born in like the land before time, they're so old that I'm not sure if how old they are, I've lost count. Anyway, they haven’t seen me in over two decades; they think I'm still a Jedi, and that I'm still alive. This lunch was arranged when I was still alive and I ran into them on some distant planet, I couldn't stay for long so we arranged for them to come and see me twenty years latter.

"Hey, J.J. you couldn't do us a favour, could you?"
"Sure, what do you want done?"
"Well... my parents still think I'm a Jedi, so I need you to go over to the Jedi Temple and pick them up when they arrive and bring them here."
"Why don't you want to do it?"
"I don't want them to be too shocked; on the way back you're to tell them I'm not a Jedi any more..."
"Sure, buddy, what ever you want."

At 11 J.J. went to pick my parents up, I went and made sure all the preparations were done; food cooking, stereo on, and that I was looking good:
Ok, everything is ready, I sat and waited.

Finally, at 11:30 I heard J.J. pull up out side.
"Here we are Mr and Mrs Jinn."

The door opened and there were my parents; framed in the doorway, their mouths slack. My mother fainted. When she came round five minutes later she finally spoke to me for the first time in 20 years.
"You're..... You're..... D e a d....."
"Yes, I'm dead, I was killed some time ago"
"Why didn't you tell your father and I?"
"I didn't want to scare you."

After reassuring my parents that this wasn't some cruel trick, we sat down and talked about their life back home.
"The farm is going well, it's not making much of a profit, but it pays the bills. You must be doing all right for yourself if you live in a place like this."
"Yeah it's a nice place. J.J. just redecorated it."

"Hey, Qui, you want me to bring your biscuits out now?"
"Yeah, thanks bud."

A minute latter J.J. emerged carrying a large platter of biscuits, which he placed on the table in front of us. My parents started eating them straight away.
"Say, these remind me of a plant we secretly grew in our shed when I was young, that was until the authorities confiscated it."
"J.J., kitchen, NOW!"

"J.J. where exactly did you get the biscuits from?"
"Well there weren't any in the oven but I saw some in here so I thought they were them."
"You just fed my parents a batch of extra potent brownies!"
"Oh dear..."

When we emerged from the kitchen we found my parents running round the room like children. After many attempts to calm them down, we gave up and grabbed a couple of brownies ourselves.

My parents left looking quite peaceful in the back of a disgruntled cab driver's cab.

Oh Bother...

2005-11-02T21:27:00.000+13:00

Last night was simply awful. I was awoken by the worst splitting headache conceivable only to find that I had left the oven on and my crumpets were absolutely ruined. I settled down to sleep again to find that I had holes in my pillow, now what on earth could cause that?

In the morning I found out why my linen was being gradually shredded.

"Get back vile demon!"

"You shall not pass!! I say, you shall not pass!!!"

How has this happened? I'll need to cancel tea with Master Sidious again, how unfortunate.

"Hello, Palpatine speaking."
"Good morning old chap!"
"Uhhhh... Dooku stay off the old stuff, you know I'm sensitive about my age."
"Well, I just have to say that I'm felling dreadful, and won't be able to make our morning tea today. I'll send you some tea for you to have."
"No, no, no… you don’t need to go to all that effort for me!"
"But I insist, it will be with you before 10."

All in all, it wasn’t the most spiffing day that I’ve had.

The Mess of the Republic

2005-10-30T19:45:00.000+13:00

I had a splitting headache last night, this morning it had disappeared as fast as it had come. I travelled to work where a group of press were waiting to take pictures for Coruscant Daily News. So into my office I went and was followed by about 5 photographers. When the pictures had been taken and I had given them answers to the questions they didn't ask, I waited to see what they had written.

30 minutes latter my secretary walked in and placed the paper in front of me. On the front page was a huge picture of me.

Accompanying the picture was an article that the Republic was falling apart as a result of bad budgeting. "'As it stands that Republic is soon going to be owing money to the Hutts as it spends copious amounts on clothing for the Chancellor' said one Senator." I wish I knew who that Senator was.

However, this was the first that I had heard about such financial problems, I wasn't aware that my gifting of money to the Separatists had put such a huge dent in the annual turnover. It did however spark an interest in what we were spending money on:

Working "Meals": 10% - That seems reasonable
Clothing for Public Appearances: 8% - What are we to do without this?
War/Military: 47% - I suppose this has to be spent
"Charity": 10% - This isn't that much for the Separatists
Travel Fares: 7% - Fuel prices really are increasing
Jedi Funding: 3% - Why are we funding them?
Other: 15%

Next Senate meeting we should discuss fundraising techniques.
"Sir, the caterer wants to know what you would like for lunch!"

Behind the Brownies

2005-10-28T16:51:00.000+13:00

Urghhh... I had such a headache last night, it kept me awake for most of the night. I really shouldn't eat the produce before I go to sleep.

I walked into my new bathroom and went to splash my face with water. Then I saw...

I saw...

I don't believe what I saw...

Well I suppose I should tell you what I saw...

Well, here it is...

I saw...

"Are you up yet J.J.? The media are here to listen to something you have to say."

Now I remember - I called the media round for an announcement.

"Welcome, members of the Press, stockholders, and angry protesters. Qui Gon doesn't want you to know this but I feel that you should know that the brownie business is about to hit an all time low. This means you should sell your stock in Uncle Jinn and J.J.'s and buy when they hit rock bottom. This is not a ploy to make us money."

"What I told you not to mention that!"

"It had to be said Qui."

After lunch I went and checked our sales of the Brownies.
"WHAT! I don't believe it! I really don't believe it!"

"What is it J.J.? Did you finally start that thing up?"

"Uhh... yeah, I did. But it says we've hit an all time high in Brownie sales, we're even beating McDooku's."

"So, like, this means people like us, and don't want to see us go?"

"I guess it does, I guess it does.

"Oh So Pretty"

2005-10-26T18:40:00.000+13:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

My head... my nice lovely shiny head.... it's.... it's....

...

...

...

...

...

...

METAL!!!!!!
My head’s made of metal!!! Did you hear that Coruscant? My head’s made of METAL!!!

[Bang! Bang! Bang!]
"Heard you the first time, we did. Now quite in there, be, or Force Wedgie you, I must!"

I couldn't get to sleep so I went into the Jedi Archives and walked on up to the Karaoke machine... but it wasn't there! I walked up to the chief Archiver Madam Somethingorother; she doesn't really like me and the Karaoke machine.

"Where's the Karaoke machine?"

"We got rid of that horrid contraption!"

"You can't do that? You need a Jedi Master to sign a form for that!"

"Ahhh... you see... we did have a Master sign the form."

"Who signed the form?"

"I believe it was Master Yoda."

Furiously, I stormed up to our living quarters to consult Yoda. Along the way I glanced at my reflections in the windows, longing for my wonderful smooth head.

I found Yoda watching a Holo reel in his room.
"Why did you sign away the Karaoke machine?"

"Bad, that thing was. Hurt me and others, it did."

"But why... [starts crying] why... why... why..."

"Stand listening you sing 'Oh So Pretty' once more, I couldn't. Shut you up, I had to, for my sanity, it was. Plus, a good documentary Holo reel, the archive lady, gave me."

I walked off, still sulking, and went to the dumpsters outside the building. There I found my precious Karaoke machine.

It had been unceremoniously thrown from high up into the dumpster; they didn't even have the decency to carry it down!

The Man in the Mirror

2005-10-24T09:17:00.000+13:00

Urghhhh.....
Bad night sleep, I had. Need coffee, I do. Talk in these funny sentences, why do I? Look in the mirror I must.

Going there, I am.

Walk too fast, I can not.

Finally, there, I am. A fright, I got.

ARGHHHHHH..... My body, happened to it, what did? That potion, it must have been. See that Doctor, I ought to (In the post below, information, you will find.). As soon as the toilet I find, I will.

Out into the corridor, I walked. Ran into Windu, I did. A strong urge to hurt him, I did.
"Shiny, out of my way, move!"

"Do you, think so?"

"Yes!"

"Thank you Yoda, you haven't given me such a complement since... you haven't ever given me such a complement."

"Get out of the way, will you?"

"But, we have a Council meeting to go to."

"But, see the Doctor, I must."

Dragged to the Council Chambers, by my robes, I was. Sit on a chair, I did. Supposedly, on the wrong chair, I sat. In Kenobi's chair, I was. Even better, I felt.

At lunch time, to see the Doctor, I went. Expect to have a slinging mach, I did not.
"My body, give back!"

"It is for your own good."

"Good, how is it? Angrier, it makes me. Talk like this, I can not, for much longer."

"Too bad, you will be like this for the rest of the day."

"Spend the rest of the day with Windu, you are asking me?"

"Yes."

Back to the Council, I flew. Left my indicator was on for 10 minutes, a fine, I did not deserve! Arrive late, I did. Apparently, tarnished my reputation now is. At least, Yoda's fine and reputation, it is.

Only end, the day did, when Force Wedgies, to all the Jedi, I delivered.

Routine Examination

2005-10-23T00:02:00.000+13:00

Today I had to go and see a psychiatrist on Master Sidious's orders; he claims it is in the fine print of my contract. It must be incredibly fine; I went over it on 500% zoom and still couldn't find it. Anyway, he insists that it's there and ordered me to see the shrink.

I walked up to the receptionist, in a huge marble chamber, on Hoth.
Grievous: I'm here to see Dr Happtise.
Receptionist: You must be General Grievous! Right this way, I will see you now.
Grievous: You? But I'm here to see Dr Happtise!
Receptionist: I am Dr Happtise; we've been having some financial difficulties at the moment. Can you believe that people don't like coming to see psychiatrists?
Grievous: Ahhh.... no....
Dr Happtise: Here we are.

She turned into another huge room. This one was made of wood panels and a floor to ceiling bookcase that covered the walls. Dr Happtise walked over to her solid wood desk and motioned for me to lie on a leather sofa.
Dr Happtise: So, why are you here?
Grievous: Because Darth Sidious sent me here.
Dr Happtise: I have no time for jokes like that! Now, why are you here?
Grievous: I told you, Darth Sidious sent me here!
Dr Happtise: No he didn't! [She pulled out a thick cane the size of small tree]
Grievous: Umm... My employer sent me.
Dr Happtise: That's better. How why did they send you here?
Grievous: How should I know? I'm not them.
Dr Happtise: Ok, who do you dislike?
Grievous: Yoda, Mace Windu, Jar Jar, some other Jedi and other people.
Dr Happtise: And who are your friends, or who can you tolerate?
Grievous: Palpatine, Dooku, and a few others.
Dr Happtise: Would they know why you're here?
Grievous: How should I know? I'm not them.
Dr Happtise: I see, well that’s what we need to fix.

She went to her desk and pulled out a phial, with a lime green liquid in it, and gave it to me.
Dr Happtise: Now drink this!
Grievous: No, I don't know what’s in it.
Dr Happtise: I said drink it! [She raises her cane]
Grievous: Alright!

After that she said I could leave. Now that was an experience I could have done without, that liquid tasted like lemon and lime earwax.

Party at Palpatine's

2005-10-20T18:24:00.000+13:00

Last week I held an awesome party in Palpatine's office. Here's a group picture: Quite a few people turned up, some on false pretences (I couldn't give away my location to some people in case they told their Army):
Anakin Skywalker
Dooku
Jawa Juice
Mace Windu
Padme Amidala
Jar Jar Binks
Palpatine
Qui-Gon Jinn
Yoda

Palps did not like a party in his office and went around trying to get everyone to leave. Needless to say that no one did. In fact I don't think anyone paid any attention to him after he went around the room once. Eventually he joined in and relaxed - I think the spice that Qui Gon put in his drink helped.

Jawa Juice and Qui-Gon talked about their Business and tried to sell brownies to a few people. I even saw them approach Dooku from behind.
JJ: Would you like some Uncle Jinn and JJ's brownies for a one time onl-
At this point Dooku turned around and they realised they were talking to their enemy.
Dooku: And I suppose you will be wanting some McDooku's, how delightful.
JJ: Ahhh... never mind.
They quickly went over to another group of people.

Master Yoda was very surprised to see what he had been invited to.
Yoda: An urgent conference, this certainly is not!
He was about to leave when Dooku spotted him from across the room.
Dooku: Yoda old fellow! How smashing to run into you here!
Yoda: Dooku, come near me, you will not. If you do, feel my Atomic Force Wedgie, you will.
They then went and fought over the window seat, while throwing insults at each other.

Jar Jar turned up and almost killed the party by tripping over a speaker and sending them both to the floor in a crumpled heap. I went to plug the speaker in but Jar Jar insisted that he'd fix it.
Jar Jar: Sorry, issen mesa fault. Mesa fixen itsa.
Finally after being shocked several times Jar Jar got the wires back into the speaker. However they were in the wrong place. Once Jar Jar had moved around the room I went and put them in their correct places.

Mace Windu turned up looking rather uncomfortable.
Mace: Sorry I'm late, Yoda gave me a Force wedgie to try stop me from following him
In the background I could hear Yoda say, "next time, more painful it will be."
Mace: I hope the party wasn't ruined by my absence.
Grievous: Uhhh... no it wasn't. In fact your not even on the invites list.
Mace: I'm prepared to overlook that now that I'm here to grace the room with my good looks.
At this Yoda made a face of disgust, as did many others.

Padme and Anakin arrived together, Yoda quickly remarked on the absence of Obi Wan:
Yoda: Lost Kenobi, have you?
Anakin: Five turns ago Y-dawg!
Oddly enough we saw Obi Wan speed past the window three times during the night. During that time Anakin and Padme were to be found near Palps' drink cabinet, taking sips of his extra strength vodka.

All in all the party was a huge success, they people loved it, I loved it, and Palps is left with the cleaning up. I leave Coruscant tomorrow and should be onboard the Invisible hand a few days after that.

Tagged

2005-10-18T20:36:00.000+13:00

Master Sidious ordered me to take part in this "tagging" game.

10 years ago I was:
Happily climbing my way up the military ladder on Kalee
Choosing which suit of armour I would wear at the next parade
Cooking gourmet dishes in my five star apartment

5 years ago I was:
Hunting some Jedi
Cursing the Republic

1 year ago I was:
Hunting some Jedi
Cursing the Republic
Making fun of Yoda

Yesterday I was:
Hunting some Jedi
Cursing the Republic
Making fun of Yoda
Enjoying a party at Palpatine's (details tomorrow)

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
Pizza
Toast
Chocolate
Roast beef
Steamed Scurrier

5 songs I know all the words to:
Killing Jedi ("In the midnight hours we kill more, more, more")
One group of Jedi on the wall (popular travel song)
Sith Deeds (my Sith style remix of Eminem's "Evil Deeds")
The theme song of "So you want to be a Sith Lord"
Where is the death (remix of B.E.P.'s "Where is the Love")

5 ideal places for running away to:
Hoth
Naboo
The Invisible Hand
Coruscant
Noel's Resort Ship

5 items you will never see me wear:
A suit
Military uniform
A hat
Shoes
You will almost never see me wear any clothes at all

5 biggest joys in my life:
Slaying Jedi
Eating Pizza
Torturing Jedi
Making fun of Yoda
Defending myself in Court

3 favourite toys:
My lightsaber
My other lightsabers
My security droid that I left on Survivor: Tatooine

5 tags:
Commando Rage
Yarael Poof
Jawa Juice
Han Solo
redheadwithbedhead

If you want to be tagged by me just ask. I'll add you to the list above.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 15 (Jail Break)

2005-10-13T16:40:00.000+13:00

The outcome of last night can be said in one short statement: Party at Palpatine's tomorrow!

It was midnight, the sky was dark, the prison was asleep, and I finished my dinner (deep fried Scurrier) four hours ago. I was casually doing a 3D crossword, when I looked out the window and saw a pair of headlights drift down, out of the sky. When the vehicle was closer my eyes flicked to the under carriage, it had four wheels! I was drawn back into reality by the sound of a familiar voice:

Palps: Hey Grievous, do us a favour and tie this around the bars.

Grievous: Uhhhh... my cell is one of those Maximum Security cells.
Palps: What?
Grievous: They don't have bars!
Palps: Then why don't you just climb out the window?
Grievous: Because I am 20 stories up, and will we baked if I touch the shield around my window.
Palps: Ahhh... right. I don't see what we can do for you. We thought you had bars on your window.
Grievous: You saw my cell yesterday and examined it from top to bottom!
Palps: We'll.... I forgot to check the window.

This exchange continued in the rushed two minutes before the guards arrived.
Grievous: Come back in six hours, and bring something to deactivate this shield.

At six the car returned, but this time it was towing a trailer with a mobile electronic jammer.
Bandit A: Start up the jammer!
Bandit B: Why don't you do it! You're closer to the switch!
Bandit A: But I flew here!
Bandit B: But you're closer!
Bandit A: But I flew her-
Palps: Will one of you press the button, or am I paying you to fight.
Bandit A: Yes Sir! Press the button!
Bandit B: No!
Palps: Give me the button.
Once Palps pressed the button the shield flickered and died, letting in the cold night air.

After a minute of twisting and turning, I finally managed to pull myself free of the window and into the four wheeled museum piece.
Grievous: What's with all these bars?
Bandit A: They're necessary to get a warrant to fly; they're to protect us if we crash.
Palps: Are we going to leave now?
Bandit A: On it already!
Palps: Then why aren't we moving?
Bandit A: Oops, wrong pedal.

Eventually we left the prison behind us and flew to Palps's apartment. He has generously offered to let me stay in it while he secures a flight off the planet for me.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 14 (The Lawyer)

2005-10-11T17:04:00.000+13:00

My lawyer visited me today in me cell.

Guard: Your Lawyer is here. [Opens the door]
Lawyer: Yes, yes, I am here.
Grievous: Is that you Palps?
Lawyer (loudly): NO I AM NOT SUPREME CHANCELLOR PLAPATINE, HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF SUCH A THING! HE'S SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING!
Grievous: I'm sure it's you, Palps.
Palps: Yes it is me; I'm here to get you out of here.
Grievous: May I say that most Lawyers wear suits, not cargo pants and a sweatshirt.
Palps: Ohh, I.... ummm... was trying to look unlike myself... that’s it! I was trying to not look me!
Grievous: Ok... So how are you going to get me out of here?
Palps: Well, I'm just going to walk out of here. Why do you ask?
Grievous: No, how are you going to get ME out of here?
Palps: Ok... here's the plan....

You will be asleep at 6 tomorrow night. The guards change every six hours. When they change we will be outside the window. When we tell you to, you will climb through the window and out to freedom.

Grievous: There are some problems in that plan!
Palps: What! I paid several bandits to come up with that! It's foolproof I tell you! Foolproof!
Grievous: No one is asleep at 6; it is still light at 6.
Palps: O...
Grievous: I'll leave the other problems for you to rethink. Carry out the task at midnight tomorrow.
Palps: So be it! I'll hire another team of smarter thieves and villains and break you out of here tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will be saved; tomorrow I will be sane again.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 13

2005-10-10T18:43:00.000+13:00

This cell is small, dark and cold. It is about three meters squared and contains a metal bed, a toilet, and a basin. There is a window that is shielded and offers a view of the prison yard below. There is a large crack between the window and the floor where a family of spiders are making their home.

This place is driving me crazy!

I have heard a rumour of my escape from the other prisoners at meal times.
Yesterday a guard came into my cell and announced that my lawyer would be coming to see me in 2 days time. I told him that I didn't need a lawyer but he wouldn't listen. I guess it will break the monotony of this place. Maybe I can escape dressed in his clothes? I will just have to wait.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 12

2005-10-06T18:51:00.000+13:00

Yesterday we went into hiding, after our attack on the barracks in the Republic's military base. I was hiding under a bridge, my magnetic feet clinging to the bridge with me dangling upside down underneath. Fourteen hours of my fluids seeping into my brain was all that I could take. I emerged from under the bridge and climbed onto it.

I was standing behind a pair of clones who were evidently on guard to find our group. I slowly tiptoed backwards, trying to get away from them. I have been getting good at moving of metal quietly, I use my repulsorlifts to stop exerting a lot of pressure on the metal. They didn't hear me back away.

However, they most certainly did hear me fall backwards off the bridge and into the garbage cans below.

Clone One: What was that?
Clone Two: Probably a Coruscant citizen walking home after an afternoon at the bar.
Clone One: We should investigate it; t could be General Grievous or one of his followers.
[The Clones walk to the edge of the bridge and peer over the side]
Clone Two: See it's only a drunk droid collapsed in a pile of garbage cans.
[Clone One looks at the issued picture of General Grievous and then stares at the droid on the ground]
Clone One: That is General Grievous!

They climbed down to the level that I was on. I was away, running around one corner after the next.

I should have paid more attention to where I was going! I ran around in a circle and collided with the Clone that was looking for me.

Clone: General Grievous, you are under arrest! You have the right to remain silent! Anything you do say can and will be used against you!
Grievous: I refuse to come with you!
Clone lieutenant: General Grievous, surrender or you will be fired upon!
I looked around. From points along higher walkways, many Clones had their rifles trained on me.
Grievous: Ok, I surrender!

I was taken away and placed in the cell that I'm in now. They say I'll be on trial in a few days from now. I guess I can only wait and read the book "How to Beat the Best"; it's about how to outwit and win against the best lawyers.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 11

2005-10-04T08:55:00.000+13:00

After much consideration, and listening in on official conversations, we decided to attack the Republic’s barracks. Using Zin’s hidden map:

… we planed to walk through the door, kill everyone, and walk back out again.

That of course is not how it went but it was the extent of our plans. We actually crept up on the barracks from behind and climbed in through the laundry window. Once inside we destroyed their washing machines and dryers. Then we walked into the kitchen, where we ate lunch (we had gone some days without food).

Then we were spotted as some sleepy clone stumbled into the kitchen, seeking water. We disposed of him with the flash of a blaster, but unfortunately they shriek he emitted woke up the clones in the next room.

Me: Assume defensive positions!

We all ran and hid behind various objects, I was behind a military grade toaster and Zin was behind a huge kettle. The clones came in without their armour on, but the rifles they were holding made them no less deadly.

The kitchen was alive with blaster fire, as I had no blaster with me I started to make some toast. Once the toast was cooked, I spread some low fat butter on it. Then I ate it and started again.

After about 3 pieces of toast the fighting had stopped. We had lost 2 droids, but they had received many casualties.

Me: Ok men, we are going to run through the barracks and out the entrance. Once out we run to the fence and jump over it.
All: Yes Sir!

We ran through into the sleeping quarters of the group we had just killed and through into the next one, only after I had taken one of the rifles for myself. The next group was ready for us; we lost many more droids and one bounty hunter before they were destroyed. By my estimation there were three more rooms to go through before the exit.

The third group was actually the third and forth combined in the one room. They were all bunched in the one room that a few were arguing over the few hiding spaces in the room. This time I was able to use my lightsabers, so I did. I went darting in and out of the laser fire, striking down the enemy clones, whirling my four blades, and at times 6, until all were dead.

The last room was still asleep. We carefully approached one target each and prepared to simultaneously kill out target. It was a hoax. They all leapt up as one and started firing at us. We lost many droids and bounty hunters in that battle.

When we finally reached the exit we quickly jumped the fence and went into our designated hiding places before the next night when we were to meet.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 10

2005-10-02T09:20:00.000+13:00

Zin helped alot getting into the military base on Coruscant; he had an interesting map embroided into the inside of his jacket.

Zin: The base is just round the next corner, so be quiet.
Clunk, clunk, clunk
Zin: I said he quiet!
Me: You try walking quietly on metal with metal feet!
Zin: All the other are quiet.
Me: Well "all the others" have shoes that help reduce the sound!
Zin: Fine just hurry up, they will change the guards soon.

Sure enough, as we moved into position, the guards were changed:
We ran to the wall and with the help of our replsorlifts, we jumped over it and landed on the other side. We quickly ran behind a building.

Me: We need some place to hide for a night.
Zin: Ok, follow me!

He led us to a very small metal room, which is where we are staying for the night.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 9

2005-09-28T20:06:00.000+12:00

Zin finally talked:

Me: So Zin... are you willing to talk now?
Zin: It depends. What are you going to pay me?
Me: I think you'll find that you're not in the position to bargain. So will you cooperate?
Zin: If you won't pay, no.
Me: Then I'm afraid you leave me no choice. Evan, bring me the roast bantha!
Evan carries the bantha over and places it in front of me.

Me: Now, I know this bantha is more than food. If I was to destroy it, [ignites a lightsaber] what would you do?
Zin: You wouldn’t!
Me: I would! [Lowers lightsaber to just above the bantha]
Zin: That was a gift to my father! Wait. Where is he?
Me: Who?
Zin: My father! Where is he?
Me: He ran when we attacked you.
Zin: What did you do to him?
Me: Nothing he ran!
Zin: I’ll tell you anything you want if you tell me what you did to him!
Me: Go on, tell me. [Retracts lightsaber]
Zin: Tell you what? You haven’t asked me a question yet.
Me: Haven’t I? How can I sneak into the military base here on Coruscant? And will you accompany me?
Zin: Ok...

Zin told me exactly how to enter the complex undetected, as well as drawing a rough map of the base on further questioning. I’m now have to plan what to do once inside.

Zin: ... I will help you, for a price. Now that I've answered your questions, what di you do to my father?
Me: As I have kept telling you; he left as we attacked you!
Zin: LIAR!
Me: Ask a bounty hunter! They'll tell you the same thing.
Zin: Hey you! What happened to my father?
Bounty Hunter: He ran.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 8

2005-09-25T00:34:00.000+12:00

Zin has now been captured and is safely locked in a steel box surrounded by four guards and watched through two surveillance cameras by four more guards, who are guarded by four of my droids. This how he was captured:

After continuously watching the cameras that I planted in his apartment, Zin received a call, which from what he said was important: “Hello Father.... Yes I will be at the Encrusted Bar on 799,865 Street at 9:30 tonight.... No, I will not bring anyone with me.... Yes I will bring the roast bantha like always.... Ok see you there."

So… he was going to the Encrusted Bar tonight, how coincidental that I was going there as well. This time I wouldn’t fail either: I would take all of my droids and as many bounty hunters as I could find in the few hours before Zin would be at the Encrusted Bar.

In the end I had:

12 droids
4 close combat bounty hunters
7 ranged bounty hunters

At 2100 hours we were in position around the Bar.
Half an hour latter we were still in position.
At about 2200 hours the target approached and entered the Bar, we moved in behind him.

Zin walked over and sat down at a table with a wealthy old man, after ordering a couple of drinks from the bartender. Zin and the old man started to talk, I quickly moved forward to take a seat behind Zin.

Old Man: So what do you want Son?
Zin: I need some help. There’s this droi –
Old Man (laughing): YOU need help? What’s the world coming to?
Zin: Hey! I’d like to see you get rid of a four armed lightsaber wielding droid!
Is he talking about me?
Old Man: Heh?
Zin: This droid has been following me and trying to kill me.
I think he is.
Old Man: It’s not doing a god job is it?
IT? It? How dare he call me it!
Zin: It stole my Pizza! MY PIZZA!!
And boy was it tasty.
Old Man: Hey is that droid behind you the one you’re taking about?
Busted!

I swung round, lightsabers igniting and arms splitting. Zin produced his blaster and fired a few bolts at me which were quickly deflected into a race monitor. Seeing me attacking Zin, the bounty hunters swung into action: They quickly surrounded Zin and started stunning him with their blasters and stun batons. He soon crumpled onto the floor, as did a couple of the bounty hunters from stray shots.

I went out side and ordered my droids to bring the container in. When they arrived they took all of Zin’s possessions and threw them away, placed Zin in the container and sealed it closed (there were some air vents, I hope)

For the first time since the fight started I looked around. Several people were cowering behind overturned tables; screaming could be heard in the street outside; the old man had disappeared. Well that made everything fine.

Bounty Hunter Evan: Now what about our pay?
Me: It will come once I have the information that I need from Zin. Now come along and take that roast bantha, it looks quite tasty.

Assault on Coruscant - part 7

2005-09-21T18:00:00.000+12:00

Well I have been following the Zin for days now, but he keeps evading me.
So far I have:

deflected a blaster bolt into his thigh and ankle (unfortunately this was on the same leg)
destroyed his speeder
raided his apartment
stole his pizza delivery
sent him flowers (they explode releasing sleeping gas)
performed a fly-by on his speeder (before I destroyed it)
installed cameras in his apartment (not while raiding it)
sabotaged his date with his girlfriend (hoping that he would injure him)

However all that has happened is:

he now has no speeder
his apartment is a mess
I got some free pizza
the flowers "exploded" when he placed them in a vase and shorted the timer
his girlfriend threw a plate of spaghetti at him
I lost another 2 droids while performing all this

The best thing that happened is the planting of the cameras in his apartment. He's getting ready to go out now... this may be a chance to ambush him.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 6

2005-09-10T16:02:00.000+12:00

I have been tracking a bounty hunter going by the name of Zin. It seems that he may know of a way into the Republic's military sector.

I first heard of him when a bartender wouldn't serve my droids. As I think that he should have, I went up to give him a peace of my mind:

Me: One bottle of your best over here!
Bartender: We don't serve droids.
Me: I'm not a droid you fool.
Bartender: Sure you're not.
Me: No I am not and you will regret calling me one. First my droids and now me.
Bartender: So those were your droids. Zin come here!
Zin: Yes Sir?
Bartender: Please escort Mister?
Me: General Grievous.
Bartender: Mister General Grievous out of -
[Ignites all four lighsabers and approaches the bartender]
Bartender: Oh, I'm sorry Mister General Sir!
[Continues to approach]
Bartender: Zin... Help! Attack him! Zin...!
[Zin aproaches and starts fring a personal laser pistol, that he has stowed in his jacket, at me.]

I walked forward deflecting his blasts at him, while watching him run away from his deflected shots. Eventually I hit him in the leg and he hobbled away. He wasn't the one who I was angry with, I turned to the bartender, raised my blade and swung down. His last words were: "How'd you defeat my best guar...."

Then for the first time I took some notice of the crowd around me. They were screaming and running out the doors, I managed to catch the words: "He just killed the best bounty hunter on the planet". I left laughing and saying "All I wanted was a drink!"

Assault on Coruscant - Part 5

2005-09-08T18:44:00.000+12:00

I'm down in the lower levels of Coruscant - I can't talk long, they might trace my signal - we're trying to find some people who will help us but they're not too helpful down he-

Wait I hear something...

Ignites lightsabers and runs to stand to the side of the only door in the room.

The door starts to open.

Grievous plunges his blade through the door skewering the object behuind it.

Damn that was my droid getting back with lunch, I did tell it to knock before entering.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 2,3,4

2005-09-06T15:51:00.000+12:00

Well the last 3 day have been as follows:

We were forced to attack harder than before, but we were being beaten back. It seemed that the Republic has had another installment of clones, and their number becoming larger than ours despite 2 new shipments of droids arriving.

Yesterday after my morning round of attacking their fighters I had to speed off to Kamino to meet with Noel, who is another organic-machine thing that is a scientist and doctor, about my cough. She said that she would send me a analysis soon.

Today, after returning from Kamino our forces were forced to retreat after taking heavy losses. However this did not prevent us landing a squad of elite prototype droids on the planet, lead by me.

We are currently hiding in the lower levels of Coruscant hoping to find some target or Jedi to destroy.

Assault on Coruscant - Part 1

2005-09-03T15:46:00.000+12:00

The Seperatists finally voted and we left for Coruscant; *cough* we are currently above the planet fighting to land our forces in the city.

The battle is going well: we have eliminated 5 of their Assault ships and many fighters but we have lost 7 Trade Federation Battleships and a greater number of fighters. I have even been out into the battle and knocked down a few.

This fight has stated badly but we should be able to catch up, reinforcements will arrive soon, and if we don't we will resort to plan B. *cough*

Attack?

2005-09-01T16:28:00.000+12:00

Should the Seperatists Attack Coruscant?
Results:
Yes 15
No 4

Target: Coruscant

2005-08-31T20:04:00.000+12:00

Well recently the seperatist leaders have had a debate on whether or not we should attack Coruscant. The argument stands at: *cough*

Against:

Their troops are better than our droids
It is easier to defend than attack
We will lose many ships approaching Coruscant
They have Jedi

For:

Our forces are more numerous than theirs and easily rebuildable
We won't have lost much if we fail
Our technology is superior
We have me
We have Dooku

The vote is scheduled to take place tomorrow. Will we attack the Republic? *cough*

Visiting the Doctors

2005-08-28T07:16:00.000+12:00

Well after a while te doctors back on Geonosis asked me to come back for a checkup on my coughing, that was when I realised that I wasn't coughing anymore.

Well I went to the doctors and I started coughing again, now this was wierd - do I have an allergy to orgainc lifeforms? Possibly, but all the time I was with Jabba I didn't cough, and Jabba is organic - or is he? The climate on Tatooine is similar to Geonosis, so it can't be that.

Looks like I might to find a better doctor as the Geonoisians have no idea what is wrong.

Working with Jabba...

2005-08-24T17:17:00.000+12:00

During my stay with Jabba I had some people take some photos of me performing my tasks:

This is what I had to wear while picking up the garbage at the Stadium

Here I am backing away from the Sarlacc - the arm I lost was one of my split arms

Jabba being a huge pain in the back

My personal favourite - DJ Grievous. The best day of my service

What the camp is behind me? That makes sense now
.
Me killing Jabba's Rancor - Meat anyone?

Well now I'm back onboard the Invisible Hand, I'm about to start to help Dooku with his fast food franchise.

Rancor? What Rancor?

2005-08-23T15:59:00.000+12:00

Yesterday:

Yesterday Jabba sent me to his droid torture area, I had been told that the droid resonsible for dipping the other droids in acid lent over too far and had fallen into the vat of acid, and so I was to be the replacement.

It started off rather boring, that being said I was having fun slowly dropping droids in the acid untill they talked. It heated up at around lunch time when a torture droid rolled up to be and tried to jab me with a heated piece of metal - this was pointless as they droid was so slow that I easily dodged it and it plowed on straight into the vat. I was thinking that that would be all but another droid came at me wielding a blaster, this wasn't good - I had only one lightsabre on me for fear of losing them in the acid - so out came the lightsabre and I started deflecting bolts as some hired bounty hunters ran through the door and started firing their blasters at me. My wrist was working hurridly blocking the shots while I was being backed up to the edge of the vat.

Suddenly one started running forward and the others followed. Doing the only thing possible I activated my repulsorlifts and flew out over the vat. The first bounty hunters stopped, but the others not seeing where they were going ran into them and fell into the vat. I then wasted no time slaying the droid and walking out of the room.

Today:

Jabba was not happy when I saw after being summoned to him this morning, then again does he ever look happy? Well he talked a bit, I had no idea what he was saying, and signalled to some person. Then I fell.

I landed on the sandy floor of some roughly made prison. Somebody from above yelled "Have fun with the Rancor" and sure enough a door opened and out came soemthing that did not seem like a Rancor - they are meant to be giant scary things - but this was like a giant fly.

First it charged, second it missed, third in ran into the wall. I was really getting fed up with Jabba's incompetent murderers. It turned around and charged again, I sidestepped it whipped out my lightsaber and cut it along its side. Its last breath was taken looking at me with a look of defeat.

I decided to leave, I activated my repulsorlifts, flew up to the ceiling and cut my way into the room above, walked past Jabba and into the desert and called my ship to send down a landing vessel. I was away from Tatooine within 2 hours of killing the Rancor.

Me Translate?

2005-08-21T17:56:00.000+12:00

Yesterday's task for Jabba was very painful:

I was marched to Jabba and told, by some green dancer that could speak both Basic and Huttese, that I would be Jabba's translator for the day! Well I thought I could have some fun with this.

The first person to visit Jabba was a rather wierd looking guy who was hailed as a high ranking official from a nearby settlement, at least he spoke Basic or I would have been dead. He was there to ask if Jabba could stop the Tuskens from stealing their slaves. Well Jabba said something and I relayed it to the guy as "The mighty Jaba does not like you! He will kill you! He will kill your family!" He ran, I think, Jabba had heard what I had said and quickly bodyslammed me, he is soo heavy! I was thrown to my room after that.

Today's task was alot less interesting but more exciting at the same time:

I was sent out Tusken hunting! I had fun with the Tusken a few weeks back and I had to do it again! And as part of a punishment! What could be better!

They dropped like flies when I charged into their camp, and then a group of Tuskens dropped some heavy rock off a cliff and onto my head and I was knocked unconscious.

I woke to find myself tied to a cross and one lightsaber mising, thanks alot Anakin! I still had 3 left, Tuskens really aren't smart, but I was still tied to the cross and couldn't reach my lightsabers. The ropes seemed lossly tied so I decided to try out a new trick of mine; I split my arms apart and stretched the rope to its limit and soon after it snaped and I off I went to continue my slaying.

Entertainment Time

2005-08-19T20:51:00.000+12:00

Jabba is getting to be a large pain in the back, quite literally, he decided he wanted to see Tatooine at night and ordered me to carry him around the desert in the middle of the night. He partially made up for that when he summoned me for my service for today:

Well, believe it or not, I am talented in the way of the musical arts, or at least in mixing them. This I found out today as it was by the request of Jabba that I would be the "DJ" at his lunch. I thought that this would not take long, well how long can it take to eat lunch, unfortunately the Hutts have a tradition that when hungry they eat alot, and when not hungry they only eat a little. Well I can tell you that eating alot takes along time for Jabba, over 4 hours it turned out.

So I was stuck remixing music for along time, now I need new finger pads as this set is nearly worn through.

Lunch Time

2005-08-18T16:20:00.000+12:00

Today was interesting in several ways:

I heard that Dooku is setting up his own fast food chain. Needless to say I have pledged my fleet to him and wish him the all the best with his venture, he just forgot one meal: Hutt Surprise.
Today it was decided that my five hours of service would be spent feeding Jabba's prize winning sarlacc! This proved to my advantage as being part droid it didn't sense that I was there, well thats what I thought. It sensed that I was there when I was in range of its tentacles. A tentacle cut through the air towards me, I was still carrying its lunch and didn't see it coming, and tore off one of my lower arms. Well that was it, nom mister nice Grievous for him! Out came my lightsaber and off went its tentacles. After throwing its lunch, stil in its bag, into the sarlacc I turned and ran before it could realise what had happened.

Of course I have just severely damaged Jabba's pride and joy but the overseer won't be mentioning it untill I'm long gone from here.

Cleaning

2005-08-17T07:07:00.000+12:00

Well, my laptop siezed up two days ago so I couldn't post about what has been happening. So here it goes: *cough*

Day one I was told what to do on days two and three and show around Jabba's palace and the pod racing stadium *cough*
Day two I was dragged from the slave quarters to begin my cleaning of the pits. There was oil and grime everywhere, and this is a place made of sand and I was expected to clean it up. Well that took a while to complete; the overseer tried to make me use a mop to mop the oil up and only gave up when I told him to try to mop it up! And no i did not mention that I'd slay him If he didn't give up. Once that was done I had one minute and then my five hours for that day were done.
Day three I was taken back to the pod race stadium and forced to clean the stands, and they were digusting! Galactic Gum everywhere but the garbage obliterator: under the seats, on the seats, on the rails, beneath corpses, under the garbage obliterator, and on the garbage obliterator! It took me a full four hours to get rid of it all. I spent the remaining time laying a fresh layer of carpet for Jaba's private box.
Day four, today, I was taken to Jabba and told by his droid that I would be giving him a massage for five hours. Well that wasn't too bad, if a little wierd, so I walked up to the droid and started massaging it only to find that I had to massage Jaba! Disgusting! Well I am very lucky that I can go to sleep and continue doing a repeditive activity so I slept and massaged that lump of goo. I'm so glad I'm part droid.

Tomorrow Jabba and his droid will have something else for me to do, I just have to wonder what it will be.

Meeting the Hutts

2005-08-14T07:14:00.000+12:00

After the holiday on Naboo I, very reluctantly flew back to Tatooine, to serve out my 50 hours of community service with the Hutts. *cough* My first impressions of them were “Where are they?” and when a translator droid said that they were right in front of me I exclaimed “What? These giant blobs?” Well it turns out those giant blobs were the Hutts and I was already in trouble with them. *cough*

Well the first spoken words from the Jaba were so confusing that I can’t remember them *cough* but his droid said “The Mighty Jabba says that you are to spend your sentence over ten days by doing five hours of his bidding a day!”

Well after that I was sent away to go and start cleaning the pod race stands and pit at Mos Eisley, this will take me a couple of days of this service. *cough*

J.J. Caught Out

2005-08-11T16:35:00.000+12:00

The analysis droid has finished its work and has found that J.J was indeed using wires and mirrors (why mirrors I have no idea) *cough*

That Jawa must have had a holographic projector on him to mask the wires and mirror, as well as some kind of hover board connected to the wires, well I demand a rematch sometime! *cough*

The Miracle at Work

2005-08-10T18:50:00.000+12:00

Yesterday when J.J. and I were surfing I took a picture him riding the waves, it seems he has nature on his side as well *cough*

I'll see tomorrow if there are any devices that were helping him, the analysis droid is searching for any inconsistencies at the moment *cough*

Hydration

2005-08-09T20:38:00.000+12:00

Well as I said I'm off on holiday. After careful analysis of possible locations I decided to travel to Naboo and relax on one of the tropical islands there, after all I do have to go back to Tatooine and work with the Hutts, I may as well get as much water now as possible *cough*

J.J. also came along for a day and managed to take this picture of me learning to surf; I think I was doing quite well for a beginer, that was untill J.J. took to his board and started performing all these insane stunts, I swear he had cable attached to him *cough*

Court Memories

2005-08-07T10:52:00.000+12:00

Well... with the case over they have released the pictures of the case: *cough*

This was when my friends came and watched me be cross examined by the Lawyer

These pictures were sketched to show the Hutts incase I sent another droid for my community service *cough* The camera died just before this.

Well... thats all of them, I'm off on holiday before I'm due to start my community service in a week *cough*

All Rise - Part IV

2005-08-06T15:36:00.000+12:00

It was the final day of the court case, read the transcript to see if I was guilty or innocent:
____________________________________________________

Security Personal: All rise for the Palps!

Palpatine: No, no, no, no, no! That is too informal, Palpatine is just fine. Well lets get started; we are here today to hear the verdict for the case of General Grievous versus the family of Kaht Argar. Members of the Jury what is your verdict?

Jury Announcer: We have voted over the last couple of days, a task which is not easy for a small case yet alone a case as big as thi –

Palpatine: Get on with it already, the suspense is killing me!

Jury Announcer: Ok, ok! The voting was close but we have found the Defendant NOT GUILTY on the charges of murder.

[Sighs of relief mixed with cries of outrage are heard coming from the crowd]

Jury Announcer: However in the light of the testimony of the Messenger we have found Grievous GUILTY of Improper Corpse Disposal, as well as trespassing on the Sanctioned Area on Tatooine!

Grievous: You can’t do this; this was about murder not corpse disposal regulations!

Palpatine: Order in the court! [Whack! Whack! Whack!] I hereby declare General Grievous cleared of the account of murder but sentence him to 50 hours of community service for the Hutts on Tatooine for trespass! [Whack!]

[Grievous sits there stunned as does the majority of the crowd]

Grievous: Jury Announcer, may I inquire into what votes were cast?

Jury Announcer: This is highly irregular but here’s how the voting went: Eight votes guilty; five votes not guilty; ten votes Barely Not Guilty.

Security Personal: You may now leave the court!

[Everyone slowly walks away]

____________________________________________________

Well… 50 hours of community service is that bad, even if it is with the Hutts, you never know I might just visit my friends on Survivor while I’m there.

Your Verdict:

2005-08-04T17:52:00.000+12:00

Vote: Am I guilty or not? (Part III below)

Results:
8 Guilty
5 Not Guilty
10 Barely Not Guilty

All Rise - Part III

2005-08-04T17:41:00.000+12:00

Its was the final day for the case, here’s how it went:
____________________________________________________

Security Personal: All rise for Palpatine!

Palpatine: That was much better; it was much too informal before. Well we are here today for the final statements from each party, Lawyer you can go first.

Lawyer: See these pictures [walks up to the projector and inserts a film clip of a Wookie mauling a human Jedi] this has nothing to do with the case except it shows how anything is possible even if it was previously thought improbable, therefore it is highly possible that the Defendant is gui –

[The court doors open and a very distressed looking Dooku walks in muttering under his breath]

Dooku: Good day old chaps. I’m awfully sorry, my pocket watch stopped, I have been terribly late all day.

Palpatine: It’s all right Dooku, we have only just begun.

[Dooku walks to the jury and sits down]

Jury Member: I’m not sure that you should be here sir, this is for Jury members’ onl –

Palpatine: He may sit there!

Jury Member: But your Honour, he can’t possibly be allowed to sit here, he may try to kill one of us to sway the vote in the General’s favour –

Dooku: Preposterous! How could you even think that I would commit such a vile and senseless act, I’m outraged –

Palpatine: He will sit there, now back to the case! [Whack!] Continue Lawyer.

Lawyer: Where was I… Ahh yes, the Plaintiff is most clearly guilty, if a dumb Wookie can kill a Jedi surely we can’t put is past a Jedi hunter to kill a Jedi. I rest my ca –

[The door opens and a man runs in panting heavily, he runs up to the Lawyer and whispers something]

Lawyer: Your Honour, may I question this Messenger?

Palpatine: I guess so, just hurry up I want to get out before my parking ticket expires!

[The Messenger walks up to the witness box, sits down and takes the oath:

I swear on my holy DNA scanner that I will say the truth and nothing but the truth, and if I don’t may it emit deadly radiation and mutate me into something so hideous that I am forced to hide for life!]

Lawyer: Messenger, tell the Jury what you have just told me.

Messenger: Well bro, I was delivering a parcel to, ya now, the place on the outer rim, what’s it called, -

Lawyer: Tatooine?

Messenger: Ya that’s the one, thanks bro! I found this corpse in the sand that I was crossing to deliver the parcel, it was identified as the body of [pulls out a slip of paper and reads a name] Kat Arga, Kath Argar, sorry, Kaht Argar! –

Grievous: Objection your honour! How could he know that there was a corpse in the Sanctioned Area on Tatooine! It is off limits to all but the Hutts! This witness is void!

Lawyer: General, how do you know that he was in the Sanctioned Area?

Grievous: He said it, didn’t he?

Lawyer: No he didn’t! Your Honour it seems obvious now that the defendant is guilty and should be charged accordingly. I rest my case!

Palpatine: Very well, this has changed thing quite dramatically. What do you have to say General?

Grievous: Well… I can’t deny that I didn’t place the Plaintiff’s severed body in the Sanctioned Area, but I did not kill her! She ran willingly into it! If I am found guilty you are saying that if someone extends an arm, unknowingly with a lightsaber, offering help and the said Jedi is either to run through it or be vaporised in the shield, that that person who offers help is to be convicted for helping then may the world –

Palpatine: Yes General, we get the picture, do you have anything else that you wish to say?

Grievous: No your Honour!

Palpatine: Then I adjourn this case for two days! At this time the Jury will meet and a verdict decided! [Palpatine whacks the hammer and sprints out of the room heading for his speeder park]

Messenger: Ahh… Can I go?

Jury Member: Yes you may.

____________________________________________________

Well I admit it’s not looking good, I’m going to slay another couple of droids to ease my frustration.

All Rise - Part II

2005-08-02T17:51:00.000+12:00

Yesterday the case was delayed as Palpatine couldn’t be secured for a release from Survivor, but today he was able to come and so the trial proceeded as follows:

____________________________________________________

Security Personal: All rise for the Supreme Chanc –

Palpatine: Yes, we know already, now I have to get back before they notice I’m missing so let’s get this underway. Where were we, uhhh yes, we were at the conversation between the Defendant and the Plaintiff, Lawyer do you wish to continue your case?

Lawyer: No your Honour, I rest my case.

[Jury members start talking quietly to each other]

Palpatine: Silence [Whack!] O, you can all be seated by the way.

Grievous: About time!

Palpatine: What was that General?

Grievous: Nothing Master.

Palpatine: Good, Grievous I believe you are defending yourself? Well you may begin now.

Grievous: Well…. It began just over two weeks ago when I walked onto the bridge, because of my insomnia –

Palpatine: We’ve heard this before General, skip to where we left off or do we need some community service to help you along?

Lawyer: Yes do get on with this delightful story General… unless you are going to tell more li -

Palpatine: Silence… I’m warning you… community service if you mention it again, continue Grievous.

Grievous: Well as I said last time the Plaintiff had just said she wanted to be a –

Palpatine: Yes, yes, yes we know go on from after that!

Grievous: Ok, well of course I said that I was not the biomechanical person to talk to this about. Well she took this rather badly, she charged at me, kicking then snatching up lightsaber from the ground whilst at the same time igniting it. Needless to say that I quickly ignited my lightsabers [Grievous’s voice becomes increasingly enthusiastic] as she continued charging and had begun to raise her blade as if to attack from above, of course this is a typical move for when a person wants is going to attack from the side, but to be careful I position my self as to block from above and from both sides. Unfortunately she attack from beneath catching me off guard and slicin –

Palpatine: Do we really need to hear this?

Grievous: Just a bit more… anyway as I said she caught me off guard and I lost an arm, well my reflexes are made so that when this happens I instantly attack and kill the enemy. Fortunately for the Plaintiff her reflexes, aided by the force, saved her and all that happened is that she lost a hand.

Jury Member: Which hand?

Grievous: Her left hand, it was the one holding the lightsaber, anyway after amputating the hand she fell on the floor clutching the scorched stub of her arm, she then looked up at me and charged again with her remaining arm aiming for my neck, well I, being the courteous gentleman that I am [murmuring from the crowd] sidestepped this rage motivated attack. Well that’s when it all went wrong, as the fight started I had turned to cut her off from her ship and the hangar opening was directly behind me and as she charged and I sidestepped the shock rapidly appeared on her face. I quickly turned around and saw what was happening, she was charging straight for the shield protecting the hangar –

Jury Member: General, may I ask what type of shield it is?

Grievous: Certainly, it is a laser spreader [puzzled looks appear on many faces], simply put it spreads the waves emitted from the lasers over an area, it is used to instantly destroy a ship trying to enter the hangar.

Jury Member: Ok… well do continue.

Grievous: Well seeing the Plaintiff wanted to become a Sith it was preferable for her to be alive and not to die and her plunging into the shield would most certainly kill her. I did the only thing I could do; reach out an arm to prevent her from running into it. [Grievous pauses uncertainly]

Palpatine: Well continue, [Palpatine leans forward to the edge of his seat] its just starting to get interesting.

Grievous: Well that precisely where it ends, I hadn’t retracted my lightsaber blade and, needless to say, she ran right through it.

[Winces from the crowd]

Palpatine: Ok… well… that is all.

[Jury Member stands up as if to object, but thinks better of it from the look of horror on Palpatine’s face, and sits back down]

____________________________________________________

Well that was day two, a hard day for many, I’m thinking of a vacation soon, perhaps somewhere with nice long beaches?

All Rise - Part I

2005-07-31T08:49:00.000+12:00

Well... I am now in Court after day one of the case, that I killed Kaht Argar. *cough* The commentary is as follows:
____________________________________________________

Security Personal: All rise for the Supreme Chancellor, and now High Court Judge, Palpatine.

Palpatine: We are here on the charges laid against General Grievous, hereafter referred to as the Defendant, by the family of Jedi Knight Kaht Argar, now know as the Plaintiff.

Grievous: Your Honour I never laid a finger on said Jedi *cough*, let’s just put this case behind us so –

Palpatine: Silence in the Courts [Palpatine whacks hammer on podium], wow I’ve always wanted to do that [Palpatine whacks hammer repetitively on the podium for half an hour]

Member of the Jury: Your Honour, can we get back to the case at hand? You see I have a wife and kids sitting at home waiting for me to –

Palpatine: Ok, ok, I didn’t even ask you to say anything, and quite frankly - [The hammer, which Palpatine was still hitting the podium with slipped out of his hand and flew, arching through the air, into the face of the talking Jury Member, who was promptly knocked out] – oops…. Ahh yes lets get back to the case shall we, Kaht Argar’s family’s Lawyer, I’ll just call you Lawyer, you may now present your case to the jury.

Lawyer: I call upon the Defendant, General Grievous, if that’s his real name of course.

[Grievous walks up to the podium where the Security man places a lightsaber on his hand and make him repeat the following words:

I swear on this holy lightsaber that I will say the truth and nothing but the truth, and if I don’t may it skewer my insides in a bloody and painful death!]

Lawyer: General where were you at the stroke of Midnight, Galactic Standard Time, two weeks ago?

General Grievous: Well… I was up on the bridge of my flagship, the Invisible Hand –

Lawyer: What were you doing awake at that hour? I wonder, could you have been plotting to kill –

Palpatine: Lawyer I do not want to speak to you again, do not insert your wild accusations into your questioning, leave them till the end.

Lawyer: Yes your Honour, so General, what were you doing at the time in question?

Grievous: Well I was taking a walk, you see lately I have had insomnia and so I take walks to help me get to sleep *cough*; well anyway I arrived on the bridge when one of the scanners detected an incoming Jedi Starfighter hailing the ship for entrance stating that they had something important to talk about. *cough*

Lawyer: so what happened next?

Grievous: Well... I’m not one to let important information go, so I lowered the shield over the landing bay, and let the ship enter. I ran down to the ship and waited for the Plaintiff to emerge *cough*. The Plaintiff stepped out of the ship and dropped her lightsaber on the ground as a signal of peace. Next what she said is quite shocking *cough* and you probably don’t want to hear it –

Lawyer: [sounding very enthusiastic, obviously hopping for Grievous to confess] so what did she say?

Grievous: Ok, don’t say I didn’t warn you! She said that she was troubled with what the Order was becoming and wanted to join the Sith –

[Loud gasps all around the court room, along with several people feinting and a loud cry from the family of Kaht Argar]

Palpatine: uhhh, ok, that will be all for today!

A different Jury member: Your Honour we still have another four hours of this case today!

Palpatine: I said that will be all for today! [Palpatine whacks hammer loudly down on the podium] and that is final!

____________________________________________________

Well I better get this transcript back to the court rooms before they notice it missing, or I could be up for another charge. *cough*

Back On the Ship

2005-07-26T18:36:00.000+12:00

Well... after Survivor: Tatooine, and a word from Master Sidious, I arrived back on the Invisible Hand, and slew the welcoming droid that I bought to please Count Dooku. When you land it wheels up to you and says "May I take your coat, [Insert Name Here]", any way I slew it because I could. *cough*

Well it was partly because of the droid and partly that the others has switched themselves off for the majority of the time that I was away and now the ship needs a good clean and oil *cough*, they seemed to have had some sort of party, in the time that they were on, and there were shattered glasses of oil and plates of coal lying around, it was a huge mess.

I didn't even dare enter the bridge so shouted some orders then retired to my study *cough*, slipping on some oil and impaling a nearby droid, it was an accident Lord Sidious, honest.

This has not been a good week. *cough*

Farewell Mabbit Tribe

2005-07-24T08:33:00.000+12:00

My last words on the show are as follows:

____________________________________

Well... I can't say it was a surprise, I mean nearly killing half of you in challenges and then saying I slipped or something does tend to make an enemy of yourself. *Cough*

Well.. Best of luck to the rest of the Mabbitt tribe: I leave you my security droid to Jar Jar to use; I leave my lightsaber to Palps, I don't know why though; and I lave mt set of clothes to whoever wants them.

To the OoTeeni tribe may you fail at everything, except you Master Dooku of course, and be warned I am hovering over Tatooine so don't be surprised if lasers rain down on you, not during the challenges of course, but they could be the cause.

Farewell team and May the Force be with you!

____________________________________

Well it looks like I can finally get back to the Jedi hunting.

Survivor: Tatooine - Challenge 1

2005-07-21T09:07:00.000+12:00

Well.... our first challenge on this miserable hunk of rock, that subsequently I will blow up as soon as I am off it, *cough* was to capture as many Scurriers as possible with a Gaffi stick while riding on a Dewback, my report as is below:

Well.... the challenge was a complete fiasco, at least it was for me, *cough* I couldn't ride the beast at first, a droid's legs can't position themselves as an organic life form can, after about half an hour of wrestling with my Dewback, and I think breaking its foot, I finally decided the most embarrassing way to ride a Dewback, side saddle, eventually I managed to kill and carry back one Scurrier and killed another one but ran out of time taking it back. *cough*

So we (the Mabbitt Tribe, the Tribe of the Great, the Superior Tribe) have eliminations where one of us will be voted off, who shall it be. *cough*

Onboard the Invisible Hand

2005-07-19T18:05:00.000+12:00

Well as we all have laptops to post with on Survivor: Tatooine I though that I could access the cameras on my ship, unfortunatly for me there was nothing happening that shouldn't be and so when i get back I can't slay some droids; I now need to find some way to make the droids malfunction or do something to displease me so I can claim them as expenses from Lord Sidious.

The Enemies have Arrived

2005-07-17T11:06:00.000+12:00

Ok... After careful analysis of the opposition they are as follows:

Anakin: Fast, quick witted but generally easily distracted with an underlying selfish motive.
Dooku: One of my Masters, I should not get on his bad side but I will not just step aside and let him win either
Han: A strong force to be reckoned with, nothing else is known
Mace: should be able to distract him with a quick riddle to confuse him while stealing something from beneath his nose
Padme: if needed I'll give her the clothes I arrived in to save her a shopping trip
Siri: I would have great pleasure in taking her lightsaber from her
Typho: similar to me in some respects, inferior in others
Yoda: that little green monkey will be hard to beat and I will need to keep a constant watch on him

Their team doesn't seem that tough, we should be able to easily defeat them and take the money.

Let the Games Begin

2005-07-15T17:02:00.000+12:00

Well the competition has started and I am in the Mabbitt tribe along with the following members:

Aayla: possibly a problem as we still haven't settled our argument to my liking
Fluke: he better not try and give me another cough drop
Jar Jar: maybe I can convince him to take out life insurance
Leia: well... I can't think of anything
Obi-Wan: maybe our race will occur some time during the show
Palpatine: ahh good maybe I can ask for a pay increase if I save him a couple of times
Qui-Gon: well he better not offer me any brownies - I’m in enough debt as it is

We were also faced with a question of what we are to take with us:
- we could take our clothes that we were wearing
- a weapon of our choice
- a luxury item

Needless to say my weapon was a lightsaber and my luxury item a security droid armed to the teeth (what use would I have with luxury items anyway)

Well to take all that I could I decided to wear this to for someone to use latter, unfortunately the shirt ripped when put on.

My New Ship

2005-07-13T10:14:00.000+12:00

Well my new ship just arrived, it's exactly the same as my old ship with a few more guns, brand new droids that are still under warranty, and a coffee machine on the bridge.

Well as my first test of its weaponary capability I targeted my old ship and blew it out of space. *cough*

The Invisible Hand sucked into the gravitational field of some poor planet. *cough*

My second test was to travel to Tatooine for the new Survivor series in as little times as possible, this was a very bad idea as the pilot was just getting used to the controls, or so he said, and nearly flew into some unfortunate planet's moon. We arrived very quickly to say the least and I felt like I had left half of my body galaxies back.

Well it needs to be fine tuned but it sure is better than my last ship. *cough*

The Master's Escape

2005-07-12T16:05:00.000+12:00

Well it turns out that those driods that let Obi's twin escape were still working on my ship despite my orders for them to be turned to scrap, it seems that the droid I gave the order to "forgot" to tell another droid to get them to be terminated.

Anyway they thought Jedi Master K'Kruhk was dead, it was a quite mutilated corpse, and decided to bin it, I walked into the cell, saw the Jedi missing, and slew every droid on my way to the hangar where I promptly borded a landing vessel and left the ship.

Hey Master Sidious I've found a target to test the Death Star on! Now I have to find a new ship.

Community Service

2005-07-11T10:13:00.000+12:00

Well I'm off to the FSYA (Force Sensitive Younglings Association) to pick up a kid to train in the art of lightsaber wielding (of course there is the disadvantage that they have of having only two arms).

This is all part of Sidious's new "Do bad to me, and you get community service" policy, he somehow found out that I used.... alot.... of fuel on my space tour with Dooku (I wonder if it was Yoda).

Somehow Dooku got let off community service, I think he pointed the finger at me when accused.

Well better get off they'll be waiting for me.

The fight with K'Kruhk

2005-07-10T08:30:00.000+12:00

Well we, Dooku joined me on Kashyyk, went off in search of Master K'Kruhk.

With a bit of luck and alot of droid power we located and traced said Jedi Master to a cave on the surface.

On approaching the cave we were greated by the Jedi running out at us, needless to say we did a bit of this:

and a bit of this:

and eventually a bit of this:

eventually Master K'Kruhk was overcome and killed. Needless to say that my droids carried the corpse to the Invisible Hand and dumped it in a cell (no healing and living again this time master Whipid) *cough*

The Hunt Begins

2005-07-09T16:29:00.000+12:00

I'm on the tail of Jedi Master K'Kruhk

A few hours ago my informant saw said Jedi Master leaving Coruscant (I was about to visit Lord Sidious as he said that he had to speak to me about something) I have since been following him *cough*

K'Kruhk has once evaded me with his Whipid ability but will not again

He seems to have landed on Kashyyk. Well he will be surprised.

Force Lessons

2005-07-08T10:15:00.000+12:00

Well I thought that if Jar Jar Binks can be a Jedi by corespondance then i could be a Sith Lord (or a bit of one) if i asked Darth Tyrannus to teach me. *cough*

Well you know the Sith, he kept everything from me. However he taught me how to cummunicate with the force so that when he dies we can still continue our morning luncheons. While having these lessons a flash of Dooku appeared in my head, it seems like it is Dooku when hes dead but I did not see how soon that is. *cough*

Galaxy Road Trip

2005-07-07T14:40:00.000+12:00

Well after the splendid spar with Dooku last time I decided to take him on a tour of the Galaxy, these are some of the sights that we saw: *cough*

Coruscant:
Well we departed from here secretly (how else would we, we could hardly blast our way in and out again, or could we...).

The Death Star: *cough*
Well Dooku insisted that if we were to do this I could claim the fuel as a business trip if we stopped here (who am I to not take free fuel).

Naboo:
I thought Dooku might like this place full of beautiful scenery. We missed Senator Amidala by mere seconds as she arrived from her daily shopping.

Geonosis:
Well we came here because the doctors said to pay them a visit should I ever be in the neighborhood (have i said how good they are). *cough* Despite it not being on the itinery it proved to be a most spectacular view.

Tatooine:
Well Tatooine isn't that bad just hot and sunny, Dooku thought he should get a tan while here *cough* and promptly decided that putting on tanning lotion while on tatooine was not good.

Hoth:
Well we came here to cool down after the hot climate of Tatooine. I found some natives who were willing to buy my droids off me here for a very reasonable price (with a little persuasion from Dooku) *cough*

Kamino:
Well another part of the business trip checking up on the clone troopers (I believe Master Yoda was staying in the room next to ours) *cough* Nice place to be really, but the water lodges itself in my lungs.

Well that was our trip through all kinds of weather and 6 fuel stops totaling........ too many credits. Shhh..... don't tell Sidious. *cough*

Droids for Sale!

2005-07-06T08:33:00.000+12:00

Well when I got back from my surgery the doctor said to rest for a few days: which I did *cough* only to find that I was locked in my study as the guards thought I was still away and performed a lockdown on my room.

So being unable to post and starving for a week *cough* the doctors decided to call the ship (to ask how I was recovering I suppose) when some useless droids answered the call and were promptly shocked and raced to my room to release me.

Needless to say when I arrived at the bridge with the droids grovelling at my feet I snatched my lightsabers from my desk (the Geonosians wouldn't let me take them, they thought it a health and safety risk) and slew half of them and now the other half are for sale.

Bidding starts at 1000 galactic credits! *cough*

Geonosian Surgery

2005-07-06T08:20:00.000+12:00

Ok.... I'm back *cough* feeling a bit sick but better all the same. The Geonosians are excellent surgeons and I must recommend them to all who need to have some biological or mechanical part fixed, actually this was in my contract for a cheaper fee (I didn't just say that).

As you will have noticed I have been away for a while *cough* and now have a lesser coughing problem. The Geonosians have fixed my lungs form the damage that Master Windu inflicted. Well needless to say I spent a few weeks in their hospital while I recuperated.

However since then I have had some major technical difficulties *cough*

Scrap Metal

2005-06-17T18:06:00.000+12:00

THEY DID WHAT????????? *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough*

Well thats great *cough* *cough* I finally capture Obi Wan's twin and the cleaning droids threw him out *cough* *cough* *cough* I only found out when he walked past me in the street smelling stongly of last night's dinner *cough* *cough* *cough*

This is what seems to have happened *cough* *cough* The cleaning droids saw the meditaing Obi Wan and decided he was dead *cough* *cough* and threw him out with the garbage *cough* *cough* *cough*

Further more the security doors locked me out of my bridge this morning *cough* *cough* Now i need some new Blast Doors for the bridge *cough* *cough* *cough*

Needless to say the cleaning droids are now scrap *cough* *cough* New ones are being built *cough* putting a delay on the doors *cough* I'm now begining to wonder if this is a plot against me by Obi Wan *cough* *cough* *cough*

Tea and "Biscuits"

2005-06-16T19:03:00.000+12:00

Tea and biscuits with Dooku and Sidious today, *cough* *cough* a welcome reunion. *cough*

As it turns out they were both at a night club last night. *cough* *cough* Here i was yelling a some droids that I wanted biscuits today *cough* *cough* *cough* and not those awful crumpets that the Count likes. *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough*

Meanwhile they were getting drunk either by alcohol or from the force *cough* *cough* and ended up dancing *cough* *cough* *cough*

Dancing the WALTZ *cough* *cough*

They must have been really drunk *cough* *cough* The only proper kind of dance is that in a lightsaber duel. *cough**cough**cough*

Access Granted:

2005-06-15T18:59:00.000+12:00

Welcome........ *cough* I General Grievous *cough* will probably slay you in your lifetime *cough* *cough* if you happen to be a Jedi *cough* or get in my way so watch out for me. *cough* *cough* *cough* I hope you have a "pleasant" time aboard the Invisible *cough* Hand and don't find our security too uptight. *cough* *cough* If you so much as put one toe, tentacle, *cough* or any mechanical or biological limb *cough* *cough* out of place you better be prepared to die a most gruesome *cough* and probably quick death. *cough* *cough* *cough*